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Progressive Bully Mocks Gay Student’s Weird Birthmark Not His Sexuality

PEORIA, Ill. — Infamous sophomore bully Peter Fazio has chosen to target Dane Sumner’s large facial birthmark for hazing, choosing to leave Sumner alone about his open homosexuality, stunned witnesses confirmed.

“What’s funny about him being gay?” Fazio said. “That weird mark on his neck is hilarious — it looks like two bears playing ping-pong! But if two guys find happiness and love with one another, what is there to mock?”

Classmates at Peoria High School had just assumed Fazio would attack Sumner for his relationship with fellow junior David Zucker, and their petition to allow same-sex couples to attend homecoming together.

“Even when Sumner and Zucker marched down the hallway, holding hands and shouting, ‘Let the gays dance,’ Peter’s only remark was that ‘Dane the Stain missed a spot in the shower,’” said AP English teacher Janice Malone. “I applaud Peter for being so open-minded. A lot of boys his age are so cruel.”

Other bullies have taken note of Fazio’s tactics.

“At first, I thought Pete was losing his edge,” said Leonard Hughes, friend to Fazio and torturer of most of the school’s “mathletes.” “But then he shoved the Stain out of the locker room in his underwear and dunked his oboe in the toilet. I realized that day there’s nothing funny about a person’s sexuality, and I learned a little about myself in the process.”

Sumner has reportedly been harangued by Fazio since third grade, long before Sumner opened up about his orientation.


“I thought for sure when I came out he was going to just destroy me, but he was unusually supportive, said Sumner. “He still makes my life a living hell, and I go home crying almost every day, but that’s all because of this grotesque, purple malformation on my body. I can understand that.”

“I’m actually secretly working on a petition to get Dane the Stain and his boyfriend elected to homecoming court,” Fazio later confessed privately. “Not to dump pig’s blood on him or anything — I just think it’s time for this to happen in our society.”

At press time, Fazio was being praised for mocking a transgender student’s lazy eye.