Thirty years ago I married the most beautiful woman in the world. I know everybody says that about their wife but mine is the real…
OYSTER BAY, N.Y. — Legendary singer/songwriter Billy Joel’s classic song “Piano Man” was originally crafted to be a pitch for a “Mega Man 2” character,…
NEW YORK — Local man Graham Holt has spent his entire day today trying to determine if a compliment he received this morning was backhanded.…
CHICAGO — Local metal fan Tracy O’Brien attempted to use the popular music identification app Shazam today to identify a death metal song while in…
TAMPA, Fla. — Punk magician “Dope” Derek Dombrowski asked moments ago if anyone else performing at a birthday party might have some doves he could…
All you pink-haired, piercing-filled, vegan terrorist thugs think being a police officer is just sooooooo easy. You assume it’s all donuts and service medals for…
YORBA LINDA, Calif. — Classic car owner Charles Metzger found yesterday what appeared to be dozens of rockabilly models all doing pin-up photo shoots on…
WASHINGTON — Disturbing new research from the Brookings Institute has found that thousands of young, white men across America are being funneled directly from the…
SAN FRANCISCO — The oft-ridiculed snare sound from Metallica’s 2003 album “St. Anger” announced yesterday that it will also run for the U.S. Presidency in…
Hey everyone! I just heard the Walmart over on Chestnut fired some employees because they were talking about unionizing so now they’re picketing outside. I…
NEW YORK — Local drivers and pedestrians too busy looking at their phones to watch where the fuck they’re going consciously updated the reserved bike…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Storm of Justice vocalist Thad MacDuggin’s camouflage clothing and short-cropped hairstyle led to him being thanked again yesterday for his service despite…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Ridiculously attractive man and recent Milwaukee transplant Josh Billingsley left dozens disappointed today after confirming that he has a lifelong, loving relationship…
LOS ANGELES — AMC Theatres introduced a new COVID-safe, jumbo refillable popcorn face mask last week, doubling down on their effort to welcome back weary,…
ATLANTA — Local record collector and vinyl enthusiast Annie Gordon flipped her pancake to “side B” yesterday, taking extra time to carefully and dutifully prepare…