PORTLAND, Ore. — White progressive voters across the country announced they were excited by how many different races, genders, and ethnicities they can blame for Donald Trump’s return to power, confirmed multiple extremely online sources.
“In 2016 all I was doing was blaming rich white men or poor white men. It got old really fast. You can only post about how uneducated whites are setting us backward so many times before you burn out,” said second-hand gift card boutique owner River Boon. “Now I can blame Latinos, Arab Americans, Black men, and not to mention all the women. It’s beautiful to see. People have called me out of touch, people have called me racist, but it’s not my fault they have no idea what is best for them. They should subscribe to my Substack for weekly musings, poetry, and my thoughts on current events. Then they might actually learn a thing or two.”
Guillermo Chavez, a Latino who voted for Trump, says he is tired of being told how to think.
“I’ve spent most of my adult life voting for Democrats, it got me nothing. I had family members deported, my pay hasn’t gone up, but inflation has, and my taxes are going to foreign wars I want nothing to do with. All I’m trying to do is make sure my rent is paid and my kids are fed, I’d love to buy a house someday. But home prices are insane, but I guess we can’t blame Democrats for that,” said Chavez. “I’m not optimistic Trump will make anything better, but I can’t imagine a world where he makes things worse. My life is already endless toil with no hope for the future, but I’d love to thank all the white people with trust funds who are trying to make me feel bad.”
Cultural anthropologist Adam Bowers believes the most privileged people often have the hardest time empathizing with people outside their bubble.
“We surveyed over 10,000 young white men and women and found that respondents were far more likely to be outraged by the election results if their dad still pays their rent and their car insurance. These people were also more likely to blame minority communities for voting for Trump, while posting glowing Instagram Story posts about their Trump-voting father and how he ‘taught them everything they know,’” said Bowers. “This cognitive dissonance needs to be studied. We need to finally figure out how these people can keep their thoughts to compartmentalized.”
At press time, the nation’s progressive white voters announced plans to blindly support whichever candidate Democrats put forward in 2028.