BOCA CHICA, Texas — Social pariah and world’s richest man Elon Musk made a staggering donation to a new startup with a mission statement of curing erectile dysfunction, confirmed sources who say it isn’t a big deal and people need to stop reading into it.
“Right, I can’t donate $789,000,000 to a company seeking to eradicate erectile dysfunction without people talking about how my penis doesn’t work, how sad my balls are, and how they would kill themselves if they had a penis even half as bad. It’s a tired and lazy attack. I consider myself a hero for helping this cause,” Musk said while wearing a vintage 1932 Hugo Boss SS uniform. “You people need to get a life, really, it’s getting annoying. These are the same jerks that gave me crap for helping fund an AI company that is making great advances in creating virtual reality sex slaves. Or the medical science company that does non-surgical penis enlargement and shape correction. These are valuable companies that I’m proud to support.”
Jeremy Kapston, the COO of Harden, was surprised by Musk’s interest in his startup.
“I had just started putting together a pitch deck for funding when I got a call from Elon who was super excited about what we were doing. Harden promises to give men rock-hard erections without the side effects often associated with Viagra and Cialis, not to mention we will help men produce more semen with our proprietary formula. The semen thing really got Elon excited, it’s really all he talks about on our progress calls,” said Kapston. “The other great thing about working with Elon is he wants to help test the product. Every time he walks through the facility he eats any random pill he finds on the ground, I guess that’s what it’s like being a genius.”
President Trump also promised government funding to bring Harden to the American people.
“I’ve looked at the research and America is falling far behind in erection dominance. Before Obama, America had the best erections, my erections were beautiful back then, it was like the New York skyline covered in red hair all the way down the shaft. But the Democrats neutered us all with DEI and open borders,” said Trump. “When I look at porn I’m not seeing virile American men anymore, it’s all foreign men with our barely legal teens. That needs to change, I want to make America stand at attention again.”
At press time, Musk was actively looking for startups that could develop a treatment to prevent sex workers from puking every time he undressed in front of them.