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Crust Punk Candidate Vows to Decrease Jobs

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Crust-punk presidential candidate Leo “Swamp” Marsh revealed plans today to slash employment opportunities during an impassioned campaign speech held in vacant hotel lobby, supporters and bystanders reported.

“I see the masses beguiled by the starchy, red shirts of Target and Kohl’s employee discounts,” Marsh shouted to attendees. “If elected, we, as a community, can overcome the oppressive hand-washing policies they perpetuate, jam out to some Days N’ Daze, and let the healing take over. We won’t stop until we get an acoustic in every hand and an aversion to labor in every heart!”

“Also,” he continued over applause, “if someone, as a member of this community, could let me bum a ride to my next speech, that’d be great. I can pay you in weed sometime.”

Supporter Dustin Faust, a self-described “Crustocrat,” was effusive in his excitement for Marsh’s atypical platform.

“His regressive economic policy is refreshing,” said Faust, digging through an ashtray for a cigarette. “Everybody would finally be able to look at their occupational future and rest assured that it’s bleak — peacefully bleak.”

Political expert Stacey Ping, intrigued by the buzz generated within certain non-traditional circles, examined the campaign’s unusual tactics.


“I’m not sure anybody who attended the speech is actually registered to vote,” said Ping. “My goodness, though — they are ecstatic about the message. The excitement for an ‘Affordable Cig Act’ was palpable. The second he told the crowd to ‘keep it crack-rock steady,’ things nearly got out of hand. I’m interested to see how he’ll follow up.”

As his campaign picks up, Marsh’s team is honing the candidate’s message.

“Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if you’re black, white, cis, trans, gay, commie, or tested positive for tuberculosis — we’re all capable of pitching in to cover this $100 election application fee we owe by next Friday,” said campaign manager Terry “Rubbish” Robertson. “I’d do it myself, but I haven’t had a job in, like… ever, I guess.”

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Article by Chuck Kowalski @Chuck_K_Sports.