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Crust Punk House Made Entirely Out of Patches

AUSTIN, Texas — A local crust punk house is now entirely made out of patches following years of haphazard repairs and DIY construction attempts, multiple astounded sources confirmed.

“It kind of started out of necessity. We threw a show in the kitchen and someone punched a hole in the wall. So I took a Toxic Narcotic patch off my pants and covered it up. It worked well, so when the side of the living room started falling apart, I used my Discharge buttflap to seal it up. Eventually, we were patching patches with patches and, well, just look at it,” said Garner motioning to the sloppily-stitched-together dwelling that hosts touring punk bands most weekends. “I’ve found hipster D-beat and crust band patches are better suited for the exterior of the house than 90s street punk bands. We keep those ones inside.”

Some within the punk scene have criticized Garner for not even listening to some of the bands displayed in the patches holding up the modest house built in the late 1960s.

“Yo I fucking heard he bought the Graf Orlock patch holding his bathroom together off Etsy,” said longtime Austin local Tiesha Kelliher. “The house might be made out of patches, but straight up, it is built on a foundation of lies.”

Despite the criticism, Garner is more concerned about the authorities than his fellow punks.

“The city and our landlord are freaking out about us not having any load bearing walls. But our house isn’t 100 percent patches; we still have studs in the wall,” said Garner pointing to a giant hold in the wall. “English 77 cone studs — we got ’em off Angry Young and Poor.”

The city has been talking about tearing down the house for several years, but after the election of a more conservative mayor, it looks like things might finally begin to unravel for the 16 punks and 12 bandana-wearing dogs that call the patch house home.

“Oh yeah, everyone is always talking about kicking us out. It’ll never happen. I’ve been living here, meeting people and really expanding my horizons for three years and I’ve never even paid rent,” said the ringworm fungus living on the couch. “This is our home and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the city unstitch the bonds I’ve made with the residents of this house.”


  1. ben January 26, 2015

    Haha! This is the best satirical news article I have read in a while DC and the onion should take not.

  2. Megan January 26, 2015

    the Ringworm fungus living on the couch said
    the Ringworm fungus living on the couch said
    the Ringworm fungus living on the couch said


  3. Really? January 26, 2015

    hardcore satire… Not working.

  4. steveodom January 26, 2015

    Houses in Austin don’t have basements.

    • Chance January 26, 2015

      ^ Posers don’t know about the underground.

  5. mark January 26, 2015

    What a load of shit, everyone knows you gotta use embroidered patches for the walls, nothing else is strong enough. I also believe regular patches are not up to building code.

  6. fckfce January 26, 2015

    You fucking retards beleive this garbage. Wow humanity is surley doomed. Its Photoshop fucktards

    • on the patch January 26, 2015

      NO WAY

    • cameron January 27, 2015

      I cant tell if youre trolling or dont know what satire/jokes are.

    • Lokis Mamma January 27, 2015

      I believe what you see in the comments above is what is commonly referred to as “dry humour”… Dumas.

  7. raytard January 26, 2015


  8. Lokis Mamma January 27, 2015

    My comment was in reply to fckfce, by the way.

  9. Robbiecrust January 27, 2015

    Fckfce is an idiot

  10. evan January 28, 2015

    Cool concept

  11. Iamarapgod January 29, 2015

    This article is a flimsy set up for that angry young and poor joke. But it’s a great joke.

  12. Masa January 29, 2015

    Looks fake, is there more pictures?

  13. SacRaFiX February 14, 2015

    Although I love some of the bands he has patches of I believe this to be CRAPoLA,,It is clear that zipper is photoshopped,But again the idea is awesome and FEAR and Toxic Narcotic are a few of my favorite bands…So I enjoy thius article

Comments are closed.