Culture Archives - Page 404

Nerd Trapped In Gym Over Quarantine Fucking Huge Now

Zach Russell • May 22, 2020

ANNAPOLIS, Md. — Lifelong nerd Nate Guajardo emerged from a local Planet Fitness facility today “beefed out as fuck” after…

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Skywriter Forced to Make Ends Meet with Chemtrails Gig

Tom Peters • May 21, 2020

DALLAS — Local small aircraft pilot Skippy Barnes is supplementing his skywriting income with a clandestine, government-backed chemical-spraying side gig,…

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Opinion: The Virus Doesn’t Care What Race You Are, but the Government Does so Some of You Are Fucked

Ed Saincome • May 21, 2020

All people must unify now! Dammit, this virus doesn’t care what your race is! It will harm you and your…

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Annoying Drunk Girl at Show Now Just Annoying Drunk Girl at Home

The Hard Times Staff • May 21, 2020

LOS ANGELES — Local woman Mattie Foster, known for her drunken outbursts at shows, is now simply loud and wasted…

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Quarantined Couple Break Up After Disastrous First Conversation Together

Amir Adan • May 20, 2020

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. — A quarantined couple stuck in the same house under self-isolation since March ended their one-and-a-half year-long relationship…

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Nation’s Governors Refuse to Lift Restrictions on Your Shitty Band Specifically

The Hard Times Staff • May 20, 2020

WASHINGTON — Governors from all 50 states agreed that shelter-in-place orders would firmly remain on your shitty band as the…

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Man Bakes Sourdough Girlfriend

Jeremy Kaplowitz • May 19, 2020

NEW YORK — Local man Marc Ramsey has baked a life-size sourdough girlfriend to combat his quarantine-induced loneliness, concerned sources…

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Punk Dad Really Only Able to Homeschool Kids on History of Black Flag Lineup Changes

Dan Kozuh • May 19, 2020

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — Local father Lucas Carroll is doing his best to homeschool his children during coronavirus stay-at-home orders,…

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Freelancer Channels Inner Don Draper to Write $15 Blog for Used Car Dealership

Pat Cavanaugh • May 18, 2020

CHICAGO — Freelance marketing writer Jim Podaski reportedly channeled his inner “Mad Men” protagonist Don Draper today for his latest…

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Artist Unsure How to Pay Taxes on All the Exposure They Earned Last Year

Patrick Coyne • May 18, 2020

CINCINNATI — Chronically unemployed local woman and semi-professional singer-songwriter Jody Salazar has no idea how to pay taxes on all…

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