Chris Nakis
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BETHESDA, Md. — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, recently gave approval for…
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Brandon Morland
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MINNEAPOLIS — Bar staff everywhere are rejoicing as Semisonic penned a long-awaited follow-up to their 1998 single “Closing Time” entitled…
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SAN DIEGO — Local breadwinner and career bassist Clarissa Khatri announced a leave of absence from his day job after…
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V.F. Thompson
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KALAMAZOO, Mich. — The local police department issued a public service announcement this morning warning the populace to be aware…
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Nathan Kamal
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CHICAGO — Aging goth Ashe Montresor is barely managing to push through their daily 170-minute ritual of applying the appropriate…
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Emma Jonas
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WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden dozed off “for a good thirty or forty seconds” at a lectern while delivering an…
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Nathan Kamal
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SEATTLE — Local punk Jonathan “Johnny Balls” Denick has given full legal power of attorney to a dog with a…
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Jay Wells L'Ecuyer
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WELLAND, Ontario — Local hardcore kid Jordan Trimble announced his intentions to destroy the only intact ceiling tile remaining in…
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Krissy Howard
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JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. — Local clothes launderer Dee Chanthavong nearly realized his lifelong fantasy of diving headfirst into a pile…
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ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local son Austin Miller was held hostage for nearly 20 minutes this evening amid his father’s annual…
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