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Opinion: I Am Vampyr, I Am Forever, and Your Carbon Footprint Affects Me

Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man concerned with global warming.

My name is Orlov von Maximoff, a former Romanian count, but you may know me by one of my various pseudonyms. I am Vampyr, I am Nosferatu, I am forever, the undead and the child of the night. Most importantly I am a person (sort of) with a vested interest in what havoc our current carbon emissions could have on this planet in the next two centuries.

I wish I could say my passion for the environment was shared by the vast majority of you, the bipedal cattle whose blood has sustained me for centuries.

Oh sure, you say you’re pro-environment. You drive hybrid cars, you have sad little herb gardens on your windowsill, and some of you have even banned plastic bags in your state like that will do fuck all. But take it from someone who will be alive, or at least walking around and such 200 years from now when the shit starts hitting the climate fan, I can tell your heart just isn’t in it.

These small temperature increases add up over time. Maybe you won’t feel the crunch, but your children probably will, and their children for sure. How will I feast on the sweet nectar of their lifeblood throughout the ages to come if they can’t produce food?

When I forced Al Gore to gaze into the power of my evil eye and forced him to make An Inconvenient Truth, I thought the tide had turned. And sure, it made a splash, but no matter how jarring the message gets human complacency always seems to win out. If you ask me, that’s the real monster. And that’s coming from someone who fucks and eats you, people, by the thousands.

Try to put yourself in my shoes. Imagine a bunch of giant, sentient, stupid Capri-sun pouches were destroying the planet with reckless abandon because their life spans were laughably short. That’s more or less my exact POV.

Don’t I have enough to worry about already? The sun. Garlic. Blade, the day walker. If you meatbags could get your shit together before the earth becomes a lifeless husk, it sure would help ole Orlov mental-health-wise, please and thank you.

Just make one big change and stick to it! Like, stop eating meat! Eat bugs instead, they’re more sustainable. I used to have an employee who ate bugs, and he loved it so much that he literally went insane.