Conservative Boycotting Disney Now Will Only Visit Park 14 Times a Year
BEATRICE, Neb. — Staunch conservative Todd Anderson vowed to limit his annual Disney World trips to slightly more than a…
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Patrick Coyne — Page 7
377 stories found
Senate Candidate John Fetterman Supports Medicare for All the Motherfuckers in the Back
GLENSIDE, Pa. — Pennsylvania senate candidate John Fetterman vows to support universal healthcare for scene veterans, old heads, and all…
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James Cameron to Personally Beat the Shit Out of Anyone That Gets Up to Pee During Three Hour Avatar Sequel
LOS ANGELES — “Avatar: The Way of Water” director James Cameron doubled down on his criticism of fans complaining about…
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Webster’s Updates Definition of “Self-Made” to Include “Only One Rich Parent with Industry Connections”
NEW YORK — Popular dictionary manufacturer Merriam-Webster made an unexpected change to the definition of “self-made” to include musicians with…
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GOP Sends Every American “Top Gun” DVD to Help Ungay Kids Who Saw “Lightyear”
WASHINGTON — Outraged Republicans are spending millions in taxpayer money to send every child turned gay by Disney’s “Lightyear” a…
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Man Determined to Learn Favorite Song Unless it Requires Capo, Has Weird Fucking Tuning
TUCKER, Ga. — Local musician Mark Shepherd vowed to master his new favorite song on guitar so long as it’s…
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Rising Gas Prices Force Consumers to Give Twice as Much Grass, Ass
WASHINGTON — Average consumers are feeling the pinch both metaphorically and literally as rising gas prices have resulted in them…
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Viewing of Latest Pixar Movie Again Ends with Child Comforting Crying, Hysterical Parent
SMYRNA, Tenn. — Local toddler Lana Findlay was forced once again to play the parent and comfort her hysterical mom…
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Plume of White Smoke Billowing from Steve-O’s Ass Signals Release of New Jackass Movie
LOS ANGELES — An ominous and plentiful crest of white smoke poured out of podcaster and “Jackass” star Steve-O’s thoroughly…
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New Clint Eastwood Movie Just Him Acting Out Boomer Memes He Found on Facebook
LOS ANGELES — A new film titled “Great Again” featuring famed director Clint Eastwood reciting and acting out boomer memes…
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