Youngest of Six Still Eats with Arm Around Plate Like Hardened Prisoner
PHILADELPHIA — Local man Eric Sullivan still eats with his arm around his plate like a hardened, PTSD-suffering prisoner after…
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Patrick Coyne — Page 21
377 stories found
Millennial Does Ironic Tim Allen Grunt Before Accidentally Shooting Nail Gun Through Scrotum
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Millennial punk and generally clumsy dolt Tony Drummond bellowed several ironic “Tim Allen” grunts yesterday before accidentally…
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REPORT: Cool TV Show Using Punk Version of Christmas Song
HOLLYWOOD — CBS sitcom “Bright Spot” used a punk cover of the holiday classic “Santa Baby” recorded by The Erectroplasms…
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Office Party Not Sure What to Expect After Mailroom Guy Wraps Karaoke Mic Cord Around Wrist
TRENTON, N.J. — New mailroom employee Cole Horrigan surprised his coworkers at Tremont Auto Insurance Thursday night when he wrapped…
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Kid Brother of Guitarist Guesses He Has to Learn Bass Now
MORRISTOWN, N.J. — Local kid brother Mark Walsh claimed his life is “over” last week after his older brother Andrew…
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No One on DIY Tour Can Change Tire
MUNCIE, Ind. — Touring band The Those is stranded between shows in the middle of nowhere today after discovering that…
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Lying Awake Contemplating Mortality Only Consistent Part of Bedtime Routine
MANHATTAN, Kan. — Bleary-eyed local woman Sharon Esses reported this morning that the only consistent part of her bedtime routine…
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Boyfriend Doesn’t Really Want Anything for Birthday Besides Elaborate Sex Act You Hate Doing
HILTON, N.Y. — Boyfriend and birthday boy Brad Krister insisted today he really doesn’t want anything from you this year…
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REPORT: DVD You Were Watching Put in Case of DVD You’re Currently Watching
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. — An alarming new report released today found that your DVD collection is in disarray, thanks to months…
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“Beard Guy” Transitions Back into “No Personality Guy” After Shaving
SAN DIEGO — Self-proclaimed “beard guy” Reggie Eustace transitioned back into “no personality guy” yesterday after shaving off his beard,…
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