There is no way to tell John Mellencamp’s story without telling my own. And if his story is really a confession of sucking on chili…
CHICAGO — Polyamorous man John Castenda gallantly put both of his girlfriends on his shoulders at the Rainy Days Music Fest last weekend, giving them…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — A fuzzy little punk roommate known only as “Banjo” twitched adorably in his sleep yesterday, presumably dreaming that he was running away…
BETHESDA, Md. — Local woman Tabitha Wicksham is “not at all worried” about her husband sleeping with groupies during his cover band’s upcoming tour, citing…
STAFFORD, Texas — 59-year-old custom bathroom tile salesman John Canales was shocked to learn from his punk son yesterday that he would be 413 in…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Former Vice President Joe Biden requested moments ago to perform a “physical challenge” in lieu of answering a foreign policy question,…
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Recently stabbed, profusely bleeding, and chronically uninsured drummer Tommy Rivera is insisting his band add at least one Canadian date to their…
ROME, N.Y. — Local folk-punk band and inconsiderate neighbors Brewdog asked the old man who lives downstairs and banging on the ceiling with a broom…
NEW YORK — A large-scale data breach of Tumblr’s current user base compromised the personal information of all 12 horny, artsy kids that for some…
NEWARK, N.J. — Local punk and expert responsibility-avoider Dean Freeman asked his neighbor this morning to throw out all his mail for him, “especially credit…
Quick, need some mommy advice ASAP. About once a week, usually after getting my eight-month-old son to sleep, there’s a bright crackle of lightning in…
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Amateur GG Allin impersonator, and introverted man that has no business being on any stage, Logan Ethridge insisted he was unable…
LAS VEGAS — Local punk Andrew “RatFink” Haseley was recently offered a cool $300 by the hit History Channel show “Pawn Stars” under the condition…
I hope you assholes are happy. Recently, The Hard Times asked our readers, who we honestly thought were more mature than this, to vote on…
Before we start eating, I’d just like to say what we’re all thinking. This is our first Christmas without Uncle Randy. Obviously, we all dearly…