Opinion: I Already Get Fucked Up Every Night and Sleep on a Floor; I Might as Well Go on Tour
I think I finally found my career: touring musician! It’s been a long, strange path, but I have put in…
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Jay Shingle
8 stories found
Long Lost Roommate Discovered Amid Rubble in Punk House Spring Cleaning Effort
PORTLAND, Ore. — Members of notorious local punk house “Dish Pitt” finally found disappeared roommate Jon “Scuzzy” Baker last week…
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Facebook Content Flagging Feature Prevents Grindcore Fan From Ever Posting Their Favorite Bands
ERIE, Pa. — Self-proclaimed grindcore aficionado Eduard Riva has vanished from the internet in recent months, as Facebook’s content flagging…
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Guy in His 30s Decides It’s Finally Time to Start Washing Face at Night
CONCORD, N.H. — 32-year-old house sitter Ervin Holt discovered the benefits of a nightly face washing routine last week after…
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Opinion: I Drink Carrot Juice Now
Increased metabolism, stronger vision, boosted immune system (um, HELLO COVID), reduced cancer risk, lowered cholesterol, and strengthened brain function—these are…
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U.S. Military Considers Dropping Gender Reveal Bombs in Middle East
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense began compiling a report this week aimed at assessing the viability of gender reveal…
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Perfectly Done Tom Petty Portrait Tattoo Still Objectively Ugly
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local college student Cam Emerson received a portrait tattoo of Tom Petty on his forearm last week,…
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Man Disguises Actionless White Guilt as a “Much Needed Break from the News”
SEATTLE — White guy Joey Kipling started a two week break from consuming any news late last week, citing discomfort,…
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