Woman Reminds Everyone She Too Is Masturbating Excessively to Pass Time
BOSTON — Local woman Farrah Johanson assured anyone who would listen yet again today that she is masturbating just as…
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James Knapp — Page 29
319 stories found
Joe Biden Makes New Campaign Promise to Wipe That Smug Look Off Your Face, Buddy
AKRON, Ohio — Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden announced a new initiative today during a campaign stop at a tire…
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Punk House Adds More Water to Dr. Bronner’s Bottle to Prepare for Coronavirus
PORTLAND, Maine — Residents of local punk house the Fire Trap added more tap water today to the house’s already…
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We Interviewed Joe Don Baker and, Be Honest, You Have No Idea Who That Is, Do You?
Few character actors have had as prolific of a career as the great Joe Don Baker. But who are we…
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Punk to Send Death Threat to Congressman as Soon as He Figures Out Who That Is
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Punk and self-described “downfall of the establishment” Garreth Wilkes announced today that he will send a vicious…
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Touring Band Makes Bass Player Order Off Kids Menu
BALTIMORE — Touring garage-rock band Bananther reportedly made bassist Mike Sutherland order off the Denny’s kids’ menu in an effort…
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Punk Buys Pack of Gum to Distract from $300 Worth of Merchandise She’s Shoplifting
KENT, Conn. — Local shoplifter and psychological mastermind Wendy “Sticky Fingers” Hartley reportedly bought a 35-cent pack of Big Red…
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Incel Guesses He’ll Just Do That for Lent as Well
CLEVELAND — Involuntarily celibate churchgoer Donald Bates resolved today that, in observance of Lent, he will abstain from all sexual…
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Date Brought to Grinding Halt After Third Eye Blind Used as Example of Punk Band
BEL AIR, Md. — A Tinder date between “Bloody” Mary Wolski and certifiable poser Jared VanAuden ended abruptly moments ago…
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We Interviewed Anarcho-Punk Pioneers the Boxcar Children
Anarcho-punk is deeply rooted in left-wing politics and DIY culture. Few other genres of music can boast the same dedication.…
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