PHILADELPHIA — An impromptu drum solo performed by Dana “Quick Sticks” Ansen was “thoroughly enjoyed” by her, and her only,…
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Oh man, I shouldn’t have done that last Jaegerbomb. Or the seven before that one. Or those eleven Heinekens afterward.…
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ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local 13-year-old Damien Glass suddenly sprouted a pencil-line mustache yesterday moments into his first listen of Motorhead’s…
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That is just disgusting! Who would be so thoughtless as to squirt down a thick, sludgy poop in the corner…
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The election result has been just as big of a surprise to me as it has to everyone else I’m…
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SEWARD, Neb. — A far-right militia completely failed in their mission to remain vigilant on election day after the entire…
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WEST LAWN, Penn. — A violent altercation in an IHOP parking lot yesterday between members of doom-metal band Savage Agnes…
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As I am a very clever and unique person, my favorite Christmas movie is, of course, totally non-traditional. But I’m…
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CHICAGO — Veteran emo-punk band Alkaline Trio has returned to the studio to brainstorm vaguely gothic puns to title their…
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RUTLAND, Vt. — Local eco-douchebag Morgan Lence is reportedly living a completely vegan lifestyle, despite his claim to be a…
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