James Knapp, Author at HARDTIMES

November 22, 2020

PHILADELPHIA — An impromptu drum solo performed by Dana “Quick Sticks” Ansen was “thoroughly enjoyed” by her, and her only,…

November 21, 2020

Oh man, I shouldn’t have done that last Jaegerbomb. Or the seven before that one. Or those eleven Heinekens afterward.…

November 18, 2020

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local 13-year-old Damien Glass suddenly sprouted a pencil-line mustache yesterday moments into his first listen of Motorhead’s…

November 6, 2020

That is just disgusting! Who would be so thoughtless as to squirt down a thick, sludgy poop in the corner…

November 4, 2020

The election result has been just as big of a surprise to me as it has to everyone else I’m…

November 4, 2020

SEWARD, Neb. — A far-right militia completely failed in their mission to remain vigilant on election day after the entire…

November 2, 2020

WEST LAWN, Penn. — A violent altercation in an IHOP parking lot yesterday between members of doom-metal band Savage Agnes…

October 24, 2020

As I am a very clever and unique person, my favorite Christmas movie is, of course, totally non-traditional. But I’m…

October 20, 2020

CHICAGO — Veteran emo-punk band Alkaline Trio has returned to the studio to brainstorm vaguely gothic puns to title their…

October 12, 2020

RUTLAND, Vt. — Local eco-douchebag Morgan Lence is reportedly living a completely vegan lifestyle, despite his claim to be a…