Few people actually remember the fact that King Diamond was created after a group of local Danish children put a magic top hat they had…
ATLANTA — A flyer posted on the corkboard of Criminal Records announced that local metal band Fierce Fire is holding auditions for a new guitarist,…
GRAYSLAKE, Ill. — Metal fans and cosplay enthusiasts had no idea that a city administrator for the Lake County Fairgrounds accidentally double-booked the Northern Illinois…
SAN DIEGO — In what is being viewed as a rather embarrassing mix-up, Amie Faith arrived home with what she believed was her boyfriend after…
AUSTIN, Texas — The Whole Foods Market grocery chain announced today that it will only sell produce picked by cage-free migrant children, in what the…
INVERNESS, Ill. — All-around little piece of shit Brenden Mounce, 11, entertained a house full of jealous classmates this weekend due to the fact that…
Yes, America has modern day concentration camps that hold migrant children in cages of their own filth. But we also understand that a new season…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Patrons of local punk venue The Steel Toe report peculiar, “almost paranormal” happenings in and around the building, which many equate to…
CONCORD, N.H. — Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders announced his “Gaming for All” legislative plan, which would provide government-backed equal play time for little brothers across…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Obsessive festival attendee Argel Anaya molted the entire top layer of his skin today after spending the entire weekend in the sun…
DALLAS — The renowned World Warrior Tournament competitor from India known as Dhalsim missed an important bout against his American rival, Guile, after being yet…
CINCINNATI — Local music enthusiast David Grabow keeps a sleeve of CDs in his car on his driver’s side sun-visor “just in case,” despite having…
ATLANTA — Dale Clarke, a middle-aged computer tech with early onset arthritis, went into explicit detail with his coworkers about how he would take down…
CHICAGO — Doctors at UChicago Medicine were stunned last night when Spoonful guitarist Mike Murdoch awoke from a 46-day coma to berate his bandmate for…
SKULL MOUNTAIN — The dreaded dragon Pwaun, bringer of fire and pain, was awoken from slumber yesterday upon his hoarded collection of medium-sized band T-shirts…