SAN FRANCISCO — Super7, the popular toy company known for its niche collectables, released a new talking Lars Ulrich doll that comes equipped with a pull string that is just shy of seven miles, confirmed sources who had to take off work in order to listen to the whole thing.
“After you open the package, you just have to spend a few short hours untangling the pull string before you can play with it,” metal fan Paul Andres said. “Sure, we had to have someone three towns over pull the string on the goddamn doll, but that just means you get to hear it say ‘ummm’ probably 4,000 times. It’s been going on for three days now. Three days! However, I thought the doll’s two-hour monologue defending the snare drum sound on ‘St. Anger’ was quite compelling, even though I fell asleep a few times. I’ll be damned if I let Lars ruin my circadian rhythm.”
Super7 representative Chase Fienold couldn’t be more excited for the doll’s release.
“We at Super7 are committed to the authenticity of our products, no matter how many times consumers have called them ‘useless’ in their online reviews,” Fienold explained enthusiastically. “That’s why we were dead set on creating the ultimate collectible. And with that, we created a talking doll that will never, ever shut the fuck up. We actually just asked Lars to record a few brief catchphrases, but let’s just say he’s not a fan of brevity. As of right now, we’re sitting on a warehouse full of 20,000 of these things, but we think it’ll take off once the Metallica-based gag-gift market upticks.”
Ulrich was honored to have the opportunity to lend his voice for the doll.
“Ummmm, yeah we were in the studio every day for about six months straight, and I’m super impressed with how it turned out,” Ulrich said while turning blue from not taking a breath in several minutes. “It was fun to record, just as much fun as being able to use a private jet to fly back home the night of a show no matter where we’re playing. People can pick on my drumming all they want, but I burn as much money in fuel in one night as they make in a year, so suck shit, ‘it should have been Lars’ people.”
At press time, Super7 announced their limited edition “Disgruntled Dave Mustaine” talking doll that is permanently frowning.