As many Americans know, history started the day they entered this world and everything before that is dogshit that doesn’t matter, but what about that brief period of time that LED to you being here? Isn’t that almost as important as you? That’s probably why these clickbait lists of what was going on with pop culture the year you were born are so popular, but for us, they don’t go quite far enough. You need to know how the things that were happening that year impacted you specifically, and speaking of impacting, boy are you in for a treat!
A lot of poser websites out there will tell you what Halloween costume was most popular the year you were born, but at The Hard Times, we’re taking things to the next level. We’ll not only tell you the costume, but we’ll tell you how your parents used said costume romantically, to have the sex that would eventually make the most important thing in the universe, you! Let’s check it out:
1970 – The Beatles
The fab four had just split up, but Halloween partygoers wanted one last magical mystery ride, and who could blame them? Your parents, however, had their own magical mystery ride going on behind closed doors. They decided it was time for John (him) and Paul (her) to put their differences aside and “come together,” and “come together” is in quotes because it means they fucked as the Beatles and simultaneously came all over each other.
1971 – Willy Wonka
Wonka has remained a Halloween staple ever since, and if you’re at any costume party worth its punch you’ll see at least one purple-coated chocolatier among the crowd, but on Halloween night 1971 it was Wonka’s as far as the eye could see. Your father was no exception, and your mother was sport enough to play along as Veruca Salt. This activated something in your father. Perhaps he was taping into the thinly veiled cruelty of the character, but he spent the entire night fat-shaming your mother, telling her she shouldn’t have stolen all of that candy and that she was blowing up like a balloon. Far from angry, your mother goaded him on, aroused by the playful humiliation. They left the party, your father proudly telling the other guests it was time to “Juice her like the fat berry she is.” Nine months later, you came into this world.
1972 – The Godfather
On Halloween night of 1972, your mother made your father an offer he couldn’t refuse—sex with her! That’s right, they did it with her dressed as Vito Corleone and him dressed as movie producer Jack Woltz. That’s a lot to take in, so we won’t even tell you how they incorporated the horse’s head.
1973 – The Brady Bunch
The year was 1973, and Brady mania had swept the nation! It’s no surprise that practically everyone dressed as a member of the bunch that Halloween. What was a surprise was just how much incest-play it led to once everyone had a few. Nowadays anyone who visits PornHub can tell you how prevalent it is, but in ’73 this was wild, groundbreaking stuff. Once they finished a liberating session as Jan and Mike, they spent the remainder of the year trying out every combination of Brady Bunch characters romantically.
1974 – Richard Nixon
It was just two months after Richard Nixon resigned from office, and between the scandal and his made-for-caricature face, he became the go-to Halloween costume that year. Your father spent the entire night with double peace signs in the air proclaiming “They don’t call me tricky Dick for nothing!” until the woman who is now your mother finally sat on his face just to shut him up.
1975 – Dr. Frank-N-Furtur
Believe it or not, your parents didn’t dress up this year, but they did make love and your mom did call your dad an asshole the whole time so it was still on theme.
1976 – Charlie’s Angels
The Farrah Fawcett-led action/detective series was a phenomenon when it premiered in 1977, and women across the country celebrated Halloween dressed as their favorite one of Charlie’s girls. Your father was Bosley of course, and together, they were disgusting. They spent the entire night making the most contrived double entendres and bawdy workplace sex jokes you’ve ever heard in your life. They didn’t fuck each other though. It was an old-school swinger fishbowl party and they both went home with different characters from “Welcome Back, Cotter.”
1977 – Star Wars
It’s no surprise that one of the most enduring pop culture phenomenons of all time dominated Halloween the year of its release. What was surprising was your parent’s Grand Moff Tarkin and Biggs couple’s costumes. Biggs wasn’t even in the final cut of the movie, and this was long before the internet, so how your dad even knew who he was or what he looked like is puzzling. Your mother, doing an uncanny Peter Cushing impression, tied him to a chair and interrogated him on the location of the rebel base for the better part of an hour. Biggs, using his uncanny savvy (again though, how did your father know this?) broke free of his restraints and, at the exact right moment, pounced upon his captor. “Only a force-sensitive rebel with a midichlorian count above 50,000 could get the jump on me like that!” exclaimed Tarkin, before the grand Moff’s surprise turned to lust and they did all the positions to the dulcet tones of The Max Rebo band. Seriously did your parents know George Lucas or something?
1978 – Michael Myers and Saturday Night Fever
We have a tie! It seems Halloween partygoers were split this year between John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever” and Michael Myers from “Halloween.” Well, your dad doesn’t believe in ties, he believes in winners! That’s why he went to a Halloween party in John Travolta’s white disco suit AND a Michael Myers mask. Some people thought it was a bit contrived, but not your soon-to-be mom. She kept asking “Whose the guy doing the sexy knife dance?” She made him keep it on when he took her home and never actually saw his face till breakfast the following morning. To this day she won’t let him touch her without it.
1979 – Superman and Rocky
Yes, the top costume of Halloween 1979 was another tie between two strongmen—Superman and Rocky Balboa. Which camp did your mom and dad land in? Both! Your dad went to the party as Superman, and your mom went as The Italian Stallion! And then they fucked!
1980 The Dukes of Hazard
Yeah, and they recorded themselves. Between the rebel flag backdrop and the implied incest they improvised during roleplay, it’s a good thing neither of your parents ever ran for office.
1981 – Indiana Jones
In the first of a two-year streak of Halloween seasons dominated by Stephen Spielberg movies, your dad dressed as the titular Indiana Jones, and your mom, eschewing gender norms, dressed as Belloq. She rode him all night shouting “Give me that cock Dr. Jones” and he kept saying “No! It belongs in a museum!”
1982 – E.T.
Spielberg pulled a doubleheader the following Halloween, this time dominating the holiday with costumes of E.T., the loveable and vaguely phallic alien! Your parents went all out on this one, with your mom as E.T. and your dad as Elliot. They even rode around on a bicycle, it was super adorable! That is, until, that glowing finger started reaching into some unsavory places…
1983 – Madonna and Michael Jackson
Yes in 1983 everyone wanted to be The Material Girl or The King of Pop. What a simpler time. Your parents got pretty outside the box with this one behind closed doors. Your dad held a stuffed monkey and did the moonwalk while your mom fucked every celebrity impersonator in town right in front of him.
1984 – Ghostbusters
In 1984, bustin’ made us all feel good, and your parents were no exception. Let’s just say they weren’t covered in marshmallow.
1985 – Freddy Krueger
“A Nightmare on Elm Street” was a cultural phenomenon, and Halloween partygoers couldn’t get enough Freddy! Sexually, however, your parents had very different takes on the character. Your father constructed a glove with a dildo, butt plug, can of whipped cream, and French tickler instead of knives for fingers, all the elements for a night of sensual lovemaking. Your mother on the other hand developed a bizarre burn victim fetish, and tried to steer things in a darker direction the whole night. “Get over here and fuck me, you sexy horrible burn man! Tell me about all the kids you murdered while we do it!” By the end of the night, they decided that they just weren’t sexually compatible and agreed to go their separate ways. Unfortunately, this is the night you were conceived.
1986 – The California Raisins
We know what you’re thinking—”There’s no way my parents sexualized the California Raisins, right?” Guess again, Jack. We heard it through the grapevine that they lost their deposit on the rental because of all the love juice stains on those wrinkly purple costumes.
1987 – Robocop
Prime Directives:
1. Serve the public trust.
2. Protect the innocent.
3. Uphold the law.
4. Fuck your mom real good.
1988 – Beetlejuice
We don’t want to get too graphic here, so let’s just say your dad painted his dick up like a sand worm. That may sound graphic but trust us, compared to the full scope of Beetlejuice-centric taboo debauchery your parents got into that night, it’s quite tame.
1989 – Batman
It’s hard to believe there was a time when making a superhero movie was seen as a huge gamble, but this one sure paid off! It’s also hard to believe there was a time you didn’t know your dad liked to dress up as Batman and get tied up by your mom in Joker facepaint, but here we are.
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