July 2019 - Page 14 of 19

Ted Pillow • July 10, 2019

SAN FRANCISCO — 38-year-old father and successful business owner Vince Martinez is still, despite all sound logic and reason, nostalgic…

Patrick Crooks • July 10, 2019

Boy I tell ya, when they say to make sure to read the fine print they mean it! It all…

Dan Kozuh • July 10, 2019

INVERNESS, Ill. — All-around little piece of shit Brenden Mounce, 11, entertained a house full of jealous classmates this weekend…

John Danek • July 10, 2019

TROY, Mich. — Floor Trends Magazine editors have chosen NOFX’s 1994 skate-punk anthem “Linoleum” as the magazine’s Song of the…

Ella Gale • July 9, 2019

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Arcane powers of life and death were recently wielded by Amina Mitchell, 35, who used dark…

Lauren Lavín • July 9, 2019

VACAVILLE, Calif. — Local thrash band VomIts-Its officially canceled their summer tour yesterday after every member was forced to attend…

Mark Roebuck • July 9, 2019

TITTY CITY — Female Body Inspector Benjamin Travis Dover was fired this morning following several recent disciplinary incidents, forcing him…

Dan Kozuh • July 9, 2019

Yes, America has modern day concentration camps that hold migrant children in cages of their own filth. But we also…

Kevin Flynn • July 9, 2019

FIRE TEMPLE, Hyrule — Becoming flustered after quickly realizing his mistake, the subterranean lava dragon Volvagia was in total disbelief…

Ted Pillow • July 9, 2019

SAVANNAH, Ga. — AFI superfan Kristen Gallows spent her entire paycheck last night on amulets yet again, bankrupting herself for…

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