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Disgraced Female Body Inspector Turns in His Gun and T-Shirt

TITTY CITY — Female Body Inspector Benjamin Travis Dover was fired this morning following several recent disciplinary incidents, forcing him to turn in his gun and the T-shirt that served as his identification in the process.

“It was a great privilege and honor to serve on the force,” said Dover, leaving the station with a cardboard box filled with various office supplies, coffee mugs, and framed Budweiser posters. “And while I do not agree with the handling of my recent grievances, I do respect Chief McCracken’s decisions. It’s time I start figuring out what the next chapter will be, now that I no longer am working in Body Inspecting.”

Dover’s troubles began after filing a complaint regarding a recent assignment that struck him as ineffective and “a little bitch.”

“They needed some extra guys down at the Ted Nugent concert the other night,” said FBI Lead Officer of Pubic Affairs, Phillip P. McCracken. “And the next thing I know, I get this formal complaint from Inspector Dover, claiming that him patting girls up and down before they go through security was perverted and unnecessary. That’s no way to talk about bra enforcement!”

Following what was viewed as an act of insubordination and disloyalty, McCracken assigned Dover to a month of desk duty. Yet, it was new complaints that caused his termination.

“A month of paperwork and bullshit, and then when I say something, they ask for my badge and shirt,” said Dover. “This department is so corrupt and mismanaged. The amount of body cams we’ve lost to wet T-shirt contests alone costs more than I make in a year. It’s really ridiculous. I’m going to be alright, though. My old man has some connections to the Cleavage Inspection Agency, and he thinks he might be able to get me a job there. And if that doesn’t work, I still have my old Security T-shirt from when I was in the academy.”

“Or maybe I’ll just rent out an office and start my own private Pussy Investigation firm, like in one of those old detective movies,” he added.

As of press time, Dover was also considering a volunteer position on his neighborhood’s bipartisan Itty Bitty Titty Committee, pending a background check.