46. Chopping Mall (1986), TIE: Burning To Death/Laser Blast Head Explosion
On the one hand, Trump has the pathos required to sell burning alive in agony. On the other hand, it’s really cool to see a president’s head explode in a movie. We just can’t decide.
45. Wrong Turn (2003), Carly’s Death
We just think an axe through the mouth has more impact when it’s an actor who never stops talking.
44. My Bloody Valentine (1981), Water Pipe Kill
Trump is all about presenting himself as caring about the working class. Remember when he worked at McDonald’s for a day during the election? Staring at a slasher movie about coal miners and illustrating some of the dangers they face (having your head shoved through a water pipe by a disgruntled coworker) could really help him secure the blue-collar vote. Plus, as soon as his agent says, “It’s about miners,” he’s in!
43. You’re Next (2011), The Blender
Again, see Trump’s masterclass-level convulsion acting (clips of him insulting the physically handicapped) to see why he should play a guy who gets a blender blade burrowed into his brain.
42. Dead Alive (1992), Every Zombie in the Lawnmower Scene
Just a great chance for Trump to show off his range.
41. Jason X (2001), Frozen Head
Say what you will about Jason X; it has this one cool kill scene. Only the casting of Trump could have made it better. When he wants to, Trump has one of the most animated faces of any U.S. President; it’s enough to make you say, “Wow, look at how animated that guy’s face is!” and “Hey, should it be that animated? Is he mentally ill?” Imagine seeing a frozen (prosthetic!) Trump face frozen in mid-range. A work of art. Then imagine it shattering into a million pieces, like the grains of sand in a Buddhist mandala. Impermanence. Beauty. Yes.
40. The Hills Have Eyes (1977), Big Bob
One word – Marbelized.
39. The Long Walk (2025), Every Contestant
We were surprised by how good the adaptation was! It’s hard to make a whole movie out of literally just a walk, but they pulled it off. Still, it did run a bit long. If they cast Trump as every kid, it would have been over in about 5 minutes.
38. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Tina
This scene is brutal, and we want to see Trump in it to add a little levity. We all know Donald has a history of denying his ailments, so having him deny anything is wrong, as an invisible knife hand drags him across the ceiling, could give the whole thing some much-needed comic relief.
37. All The Terrifier Stuff
Okay, full disclosure: we didn’t want to rewatch these movies, so we’re just going to go ahead and say ‘Trump should play everyone Art The Clown butchers’, throw it in the middle, and call it a day. You know, because of his gravitas, or whatever. This is all fine. All of this is fine.
