From his role as ‘VIP Patron’ in 54 to his tour de force as ‘Forbes Cover Billionaire’ in something called “Horrorween,” when it comes to American actors, Donald Trump is undeniably one of them. Frankly, we think he’s underrated! Who could forget his villainous turn as the sinister Donald Trump in The Apprentice? It is for that, and no other reason, that this Halloween we’ve decided to rank our favorite horror movie kills that would have been better with him in them.
This is fine.
66. Psycho (1960), The Shower Scene
It’s one of the most iconic kills in horror, and on most lists like this, it comes in #1, but Trump doing vulnerable nudity sounds pretty unpleasant for everyone involved. Sorry purists.
65. Alien (1979), The Chest Burster
Another iconic horror movie kill usually reserved for one of the top spots in any list, but for our purposes, it ranks low. While we can very easily imagine a bloody Trump writhing around in agony, it’s hard to imagine the people around him caring, and even harder to imagine something bursting out of his chest even more grotesque than he is. Next to Trump, a baby xenomorph is basically a labradoodle.
64. Halloween 2 (1981), Hot Tub
We usually associate Michael Myers with a big knife, but sometimes our boy gets creative, like in Halloween 2, when he kills someone by turning a hot tub up way too high and repeatedly dipping them in it so we can see the various stages of scalding before they finally die, presumably from pain. Oh, and we want Trump in this scene because, uhm, oh, he’s a hot tub guy! Right? Rich dude, status symbol, guy probably has hot tubs all over the place, like places you wouldn’t normally have hot tubs, like in his cars or under his bed or whatever. So, yeah, that’s why it would make sense for Michael Myers to boil him alive. This is all fine.
63. Zombi 2 (1979), The Eye Splinter
The problem with this very memorable kill is: why would you keep your eye open extra wide as a giant splinter of wood approached it? Casting Trump, a man we’ve all seen stare into the eclipse for no reason, would have made the choice a little more believable.
62. American History X (1998), Curb Stomp
Okay, this one’s not really a horror movie, but this scene could definitely fit into one, just as sure as that curb could fit into Donald’s notoriously big mouth. This could be a real chance for Trump to show off his range.
61. Scream (1996), Casey Becker
Mostly, we want to watch him deny getting the horror movie question wrong and then not give a shit when it’s revealed they have JD Vance tied to a chair on the patio.
60. Deep Red (1975), Elevator Decapitation
This is the exact reason they don’t let Trump wear jewelry.
59. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988), Roach Motel
There’s something about Trump’s camera presence that just screams “Kafkaesque nightmare.”
58. Hereditary (2018), Charlie
We love Hereditary, and we only have two notes: Replace the actor who plays Charlie with Donald Trump, and linger on that shot of the head in the dirt on the side of the road for an extra 45 minutes.
57. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988), The Sleeping Bag Kill
This infamously brutal kill was heavily edited to secure an R rating, and the cut footage is sadly lost to horror history. We think it should be re-shot, and Trump is the actor to get us there. There’s something about his body type that just makes you think, “I bet that would tenderize really well.”
