7. Scanners (1981), Head Explosions
Holding a press conference to brag about your psychic powers kind of feels like a Trump move. Having that press conference go so wrong that your head literally explodes also feels pretty Trump-coded. Set the whole thing outside of the 4 Seasons Adult Bookstore, and we got a movie!
6. The Blob (1988), The Phone Booth
If you haven’t seen the ’80s remake of ‘The Blob’, it gives John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’ a run for its money in terms of groundbreaking special effects that hold up to this day. Look at the visceral claustrophobia of that phone booth kill. The ruthlessness of that terrifyingly powerful pink sludge. Now look at Trump’s face, current day. It’s a match made in movie heaven.
5. An American Werewolf in London
We actually want to see him in Griffin Dunne’s role, Jack. Jack is killed early on, but his rotting corpse ghost is tasked with convincing his now-werewolf friend David to kill himself so the curse will lift and his soul can rest. It would be interesting to see Trump employ ‘Art of the Deal’ tactics here. “There’s a lot of buzz about you killing yourself, David. You gotta strike while this iron is hot.”
4. Sleepaway Camp (1983), Every Kill
Obviously we want to see Trump cast in one of the most singularly weird independent horror movies of all time! There’s no denying his pedigree would have elevated the material. We just couldn’t decide which kill would work best. We would like to see Donald Trump play the pedophile cook who gets boiled alive, the kid who gets drowned and found with a snake in his mouth, the kid stung to death by bees on the toilet, the girl stabbed in the shower, the girl who gets a curling iron where a curling iron should never go, all of the slaughtered children, and the boy who gets his head chopped off exactly the same amount.
3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors (1987), Needle Death
We all know how terrified Trump’s camp is of needles. What could be more horrific than seeing Trump killed off by ten doses of “The Jab” delivered by Freddy “Fauci” Krueger?
2. Hellraiser (1987), Frank’s Death
If you follow the Epstein case, you know that Donald Trump has spent his life seeking pleasures that are… unconventional. This real-life depravity would transfer perfectly into the role of Frank, a man so bored with earthly sin that he solves the Lament Configuration to experience oceans of suffering. The horror genre is routinely snubbed by the Oscars, but you get Trump doing that little guilty grin before he is literally torn to pieces by hooks, and you’re looking at a full sweep in every category.
1. The Last House on the Left (1972), The Dick Bite
Sometimes you look at an actor, and you think, “They would be great at having their dick bitten off during a blowjob as retribution for unspeakable crimes they have committed. Donald J. Trump is such an actor.
