16. The Shining (1980), Jack Freezes to Death
Kubrick was no fan of actors going off script, but if he had had the wisdom to cast Donald Trump as Jack Torrance, we think he would make an exception. The unhinged madness that comes out of Trump’s mouth whenever he does “the weave” is better than anything the maestro himself could have written. Just imagine the ad-libs as he chases Danny around with an ax. “Danny, they’re eating the cats and dogs!” “Danny, the terrifs will make you richer, Danny!” “Danny, Mexico is going to pay for the wall, now drink your bleach, Danny!” Terrifying.
15. Silence of the Lambs (1991), Face Swap
This is the one we could most realistically sell Trump on; he’s been wanting to work with Hannibal Lecter for years! Honestly, we worry more about getting Anthony Hopkins to wear Trump’s bloody face for a day of reshoots.
14. Final Destination Bloodlines (2025), The Garbage Truck Kill
Being trapped in a garbage truck as it compresses has got to be one of the most terrifying things that can happen to a person, so why do we want to see it happen to the president of the United States (in a movie)? Why, because of his experience surviving 9/11, of course. Only someone who has lived through Donald Trump’s very real ground-zero survival story can truly convey the horror that sort of impending doom must bring to the surface.
13. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989), Head Punch Off
Jason Takes Manhattan probably should have been called Jason Takes Mostly Vancouver and a Boat. Aside from one single shot filmed in Times Square, the film failed to capture the feel of real New York. Think of how much more authentic the film would feel if, instead of Julius, Jason punched the head off of New York City icon Donald Trump. The image of said head falling off of that building and into that barrel or random chemical waste could have served as an ad for the city that would live on to this day, sort of an Instagram Reels version of the “I heart NY” shirt.
12. Final Destination 2 (2003), The Log Truck
You’re all terrified of these now, and rightfully so. The movie does a good job conveying the raw force of such a large, heavy object let loose at high velocity the moment before the inciting incident. So, why do we want Donald Trump to play the cop who spills hot coffee on his lap and then gets his head smashed off by a log through an entire fucking car? Well, uhm, (riffles through sophomoric film class notes) well, because this is the movie telling us that death, this almost personified death in the film, is more powerful than the law. Seeing this role played by the president would heighten that notion and elevate the film. That’s why.
11. Midsommar (2019), Cliffdiving
In the world of Midsommar, elders of a certain age sacrifice themselves while they still have their faculties and dignity. It’s a deeply symbolic passing of the torch to the next generation, and one that frankly goes too far, in our opinion, but it beats watching dottering men cling to their Senate seats into their ’90s and destroying the country as a result. Maybe casting Trump in this scene would help send the right message.
10. Suspiria (1977), The Hanging
This movie is all about color. It’s basically Color and Murder: The Motion Picture. It is a near-perfect work of art with only one glaring flaw—The iconic hanging scene, set against the red color palette of a chic, Art Nouveau hotel lobby in Italy, needs a touch of orange. Enter one Donald J. Trump, America’s most prestigious orange actor.
9. Weapons (2025), Gladys’ Death
We don’t know what it is, but there is just something about Donald Trump’s essence that totally makes you buy him being savagely ripped apart by vengeful children.
8. Se7en (1995), The Sin of Glutony
A great opportunity for some McDonald’s cross-promotion.
