BETHESDA, Md. — “Duplicitous catfisher” and clearly regular homo sapien Colleen Jansen disappointed prospective love match Dominic Sabatino yesterday after proclaiming to be a “horse…
“I’m afraid you will never walk again.” Those words refused to take meaning for me. As Dr. Albert Green leafed through his papers explaining which…
LOS ANGELES — Girls Done Quick, a new livestreamed porn parody of the hit video game convention Games Done Quick in which pornstars “speedrun” having…
SEATTLE — Chronic back-pain sufferer Delaney Edwards is giving serious thought to the polyamorous lifestyle after realizing it could lead to intensely thrilling experiences like…
LEMOYNE, Penn. — Roommate and all-around jackass Glen Sullivan reportedly drank the last beer in the house moments after having sex with your girlfriend of…
Fuck, Marry, Kill. The three paths to a complete life. Accomplishing any of these three feats before you die is noteworthy. But for David Childs,…
It’s the same old story every holiday season: You build a snowman, affix an old silk hat in which there must have been some magic,…
I’ve recently become single. During a pandemic. I’ll confirm what I’m sure you already know: it blows. If you’d like to avoid contracting the coronavirus,…
Lately, it feels like all my friends and family judge me for dating in quarantine. They take it as a sign that I’m not treating…
MINNEAPOLIS — ‘90s alternative music darlings Marcy Playground revealed yesterday that their hit song “Sex and Candy” was more specifically about anal sex and candy…
SOUTHBURY, Conn. — Local urban legend The Southbury Slasher could not complete his annual killing spree last week when his chosen victims couldn’t have sex…
NAPA, Calif. — Local woman Amanda Perez believes that, for the first time in her life, she most likely has a decent shot with actor…
There was once a man who dreamed of a more perfect humanity, a day when everyone would be considered equally beautiful. Think it sounds nice?…
I am a devout, lifelong anarchist. I was marching for squatters rights when you were getting cut from your fucking little league team. I was…
NEW YORK — Luxury sex toy manufacturer Bad Vibrations claims their latest dildo, which can’t maintain a full erection and smokes the user’s entire cannabis…