WASHINGTON — Special Counsel Robert Mueller released the full version of his first “Choose Your Own Conclusions” investigative report regarding the Trump campaign and Russian…
FAIRBANKS, Alaska — Obvious alcoholic and general mess of a human being Jerrold Long announced today that he will spend the entire evening, and the…
OMAHA, Neb. — A decades-old Rancid T-shirt finally crossed the threshold last week from a piece of dingy, raggedy garbage that offended all who gazed…
Dear Scabby: My X gf, the one who taught me that mutual resentment is a strong enough bond to keep two people together, made a…
LOS ANGELES — Singer Kelly Rowland surprised fans across the globe by dropping a surprise Nutrisystem infomercial on deep cable late last night, ecstatic sources…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Prolific noise musician Tyler Witbank was asked to leave his shared apartment last week for looping and repeating an argument with his…
SANTA FE, N.M. — Democratic Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke reportedly one-upped his countertop-hopping antics last night, crashing a high-school house party and asking if anyone…
SAN DIEGO — Entomologists at the California Center for Insect Study published a paper today detailing the fascinating life cycle of the common Iron Maiden…
PARIS — Local legend and longtime Notre-Dame resident Quasimodo will now be known as “The Hunchback of Holiday Inn” after being safely evacuated from the…
PITTSBURGH — Local DIY lifestyle advocate and sexually frustrated man Peter Jansen unveiled today his self-made sex robot, which looks worryingly like a refrigerator with…
BOSTON — The Measure of a Man Tailor Shop was open long past their normal hours last night thanks to the iconic third-wave ska band…
PHILADELPHIA — Local songwriter Nate Oldham filed his taxes today, deducting the entirety of his ill-fated eight-month relationship as a necessary business expense, Oldham’s Schedule…
INDIO, Calif. — Urban legends and age-old folklore circulating at this year’s Coachella allege that “abundant, hassle-free” beer awaits revelers in a rarely-trodden, enigmatic corner…
BOSTON — Local Skinhead Against Racial Prejudice [SHARP] Matt Pine was overjoyed yesterday for the latest of his countless days explaining the distinction between traditional…
LAS VEGAS — The legendary punk band Rancid postponed their Punk Rock Bowling headlining set at the last minute after singer and occasional guitarist Tim…