KERHONKSON, NY — Sources report a local black metal band has been missing for over 16 hours following a “totally brutal” photo session that took…
Man’s Chain Wallet Sole Remaining Link to Nu-Metal Phase
OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. — Marcus Brooks is a well-groomed, successful software engineer in his mid-thirties. What separates Brooks from his peers is his “bitchin’ chain…
Tour Tips: Leech Off The Headliner’s Fame
Ryan Long (who has toured extensively at a professional level, he swears) educates touring newbies on the finer points of stealing fans from the headliner.
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. – Stoner metal fan Paul Garry is finding that after years of listening to stoner metal almost every day, sometimes multiple times…
PHILADELPHIA — Fantasy metal band and LARPers, Cloak and Scabbard, are preparing for a week-long tour of the enchanted lands of the upper Midwest. The…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. – After purchasing Yngwie Malmsteen’s Trilogy, an album with a cover depicting the musician slaying a three-headed dragon with his six-string battle…
Satanic Ritual Actually Works, Jesus Fucking Shit RUN!!!
HOLYOKE, Mass. – A local metal show took a bizarre and deadly turn last Wednesday night when a mock-ritual performed on stage brought forth a…
Black Metal Vegan Burns Down Church’s Chicken
WETUMPKA, Ala. — Artemis Nyxx (legal name Blake Lambert), a vegan activist and vocalist of local “blackened crust” band Infinite Dvsk, took responsibility for a recent…
Face-Painting Adult With Sword Demands Respect
THE INTERNET – The often misunderstood world of adult face-painting went on high alert this week when Youtube user GoatLord666Watain took to the figurative airwaves…
Metal Zine Regrets 666 Skull Rating System
SECAUCUS, N.J. – Tensions are mounting at False Assault, a print zine dedicated to the New Jersey underground metal scene, as witnesses say the editorial…
Controversial Metal Band Writes Offensively Cliché Lyrics
TORONTO – No strangers to controversy, Toronto-based heavy metal band Icepick Executioner released their latest album Behold My Blade last week, this time offending scores…
Neftock, Master of Darkness, Agrees to Cover Shift at 7-11
SHIPPENSBURG, Pa. – Black clouds obscured an ice white moon amidst terrible rumblings echoing from the depths of the underworld today as Mitch Hubbins, a.k.a.…
Merch Guy Realizes He’s Been Selling the Wrong Squiggly-Lettered T-Shirt
PROVIDENCE, R.I. – A simple mistake spelled potential disaster for Dean Selay, merch guy for the Louisville post-black metal outfit Crypt Engraver, as he realized…
Ex-Bandmate Only Texts to Jam at 2 a.m.
DURHAM, N.C. – Temptation and false hope arose early this morning when bassist Steven Bliss received a text from an ex-bandmate asking to get together…
A Cappella Punk Group Just Four Guys Yelling At Each Other
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. – Four friends discovered their musical chemistry following a heated debate outside of a show late last night, when their argument attracted a…