First things first: this is bullshit. Don’t come at me with your judgmental assumptions. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing and I don’t wanna…
DENVER — Local man Chris Wyatt’s first bowel movement at his new office job was completed without incident, the relieved office worker confirmed this morning.…
FLINT, Mich. — Local pit bull James Earl Bones rescued a crust punk yesterday from a no-kill shelter despite the negative stereotypes of aggressive temperament…
GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local DIY punk veterans the Splatz, who have been doing-it-themselves for nearly two years, now wish somebody else would step in to…
SEATTLE — The dismal sales of a T-shirt featuring an amazing design were blamed on the inclusion of the band name Love Drinking Pee-Pee, potential…
AUSTIN, Texas — All-around nice guy Ken Ludlow has reportedly found himself in another long-term relationship with a woman despite his wanting to “just be…
CLEVELAND — Scene veteran and new father Darnell Tyler set out this week to prove his critics wrong by showing that, despite his new parental…
WASHINGTON — A report released today by a government efficiency watchdog group offered conclusive proof of “absolutely no collusion” between White House staff members, due…
NEW YORK — The Rabinowitzes, a family of New York hardcore Jews, have already finished their Hanukkah celebration this year, tearing through the entire process…
PLYMOUTH, Mass. — Local parent Marsha Douglas still isn’t sure exactly what foods family friend and vegan Carolyn Hansen will eat, sources confirmed earlier today.…
LOS ANGELES — After nearly five decades and 15 studio albums, Aerosmith will be inducted into the Mediocre, Unremarkable, Middle-of-the-Road Bullshit Hall of Fame in…
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local father Bill Matheson has offered his children, family, friends, and modest acquaintances the opportunity to rip any of his 1,300…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Substitute teacher and former Machine Oil frontman Jason Slomsky dedicated the entirety of his class yesterday to the history and importance…
BOSTON — “Big” Dylan Hayward, frontman of hardcore band Best Friends Bitter Ends, restarted his own heart on stage last night with a series of…
KENOSHA, Wisc. — 15-year-old Mark Hall reportedly believes he has picked the perfect place to stand during an all-ages hardcore show today at VFW Post…