NEW YORK — Local punk and scene veteran Ruby St. John’s mammary glands were diagnosed with CTE today after sustaining her 17,000th elbow shot during…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — The physical limitations of a Velcro wallet were put to the test early yesterday evening when local man Jason Wagner received change…
BOSTON — A landmark study by a rowdy crew of sloshed scientists at the Harvard School of Drunk Studies have found a definitive link between…
CHICAGO — One-time ska fan Rob Brewer attended a Mighty Mighty Bosstones show last night, where he was disappointed to learn the band wrote a…
FARGO, N.D. — Account manager Jamie Duncan is in disbelief that she will lose everything in her upcoming split from the mid-level job she has…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Rotund drummer Mike Crenshaw overcame the insecurities associated with his body by leaving his shirt on during a recent set at a…
BOSTON — Local straight edger Alana Enders’ depression ostensibly reached a new low when she told the bartender at White Horse Tavern to “leave the…
NEW YORK — A barista at a New York City Starbucks struck a somber tone yesterday, wishing that more of his customers would care that…
YOUR FRIEND’S LIVING ROOM — Multiple sources at the party you’re currently attending confirmed that it would be “totally weird” if we were to kiss…
ATLANTA — A mannequin positioned in the storefront of a newly established clothing store in East Atlanta Village is “kinda hot… is that weird?” according…
DULUTH, Minn. — A pair of blue grippy socks given to local punk Kim Duverne while in rehab for methamphetamine addiction have just celebrated 10…
LOS ANGELES — Local showgoer Hannah Bishop left Tower Bar’s only bathroom late last night in a state many witnesses described as “irreparably fouled,” grossed-out…
CARLSBAD, N.M. — Avid Tinder user Myles Soto enjoyed playing Devil’s advocate last night while his date begged him to empathize with her most painful…
WASHINGTON — Departing employee Bridget Hogan’s profanity laced email instructing her former bosses to go fuck themselves was downgraded to a polite thanking of her…
EDEN — God, the almighty, omnipresent being responsible for the creation of life itself, finally confirmed that he removed Adam’s rib primarily so Adam could…