How could I have let this happen? I was just so excited that either of these guys was willing to talk with me that I…
NEW YORK — A local hardcore scene was left to organize a benefit show for several hundred of the 3,000 people who attended their most…
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. — Fucking big shot Maria Richards felt the need to dazzle everyone by packing the dressers in her hotel room with neatly…
DENVER — An unlikely alliance formed between a conservative uncle and socialist niece thanks to their shared distaste for the Democratic party during a recent…
ALBANY, N.Y. — Diehard Mars Volta fan and Central N.Y.’s third most active LSD synthesizer Nicky Saldano is convinced he can sell enough acid to…
LOS ANGELES — Former precocious one-year-old and current convicted felon on parole Tommy Pickles, now 31, allegedly muttered to himself “a baby’s gotta do what…
AMES, Iowa — Somewhat recently vaccinated woman Teresa Faison entered her third week of using the potential side effects of the Pfizer inoculation to avoid…
HARTFORD, Conn. — Local punk and 31-year-old adult man Kenny Whalen remains blissfully unaware that he is the Whalen family’s cautionary tale, concerned sources confirmed.…
DALLAS — Local sleep paralysis demon and archetypical projection of humanity’s deepest fears, Edgar, was frightened away from a routine haunting after spotting a Buckcherry…
ATLANTA — Bass players across the country are the only adults over the age of 16 who are not currently eligible for vaccinations, with the…
HADDONFIELD, Ill. — Serial killer and supernatural force of pure evil Michael Myers insists upon wearing three layers of face masks even after receiving the…
SEATTLE — Local cat owner Robbie Kratchiz admitted yesterday that his cat tree was the most expensive piece of furniture in his entire apartment, sources…
DETROIT — Ted Nugent, bed-ridden from his recent COVID-19 diagnosis, called upon fellow Michigan far-right musician Kid Rock to discuss the apparent plan of succession…
MINNEAPOLIS — Former police officer and now-convicted murderer, Derek Chauvin, is reportedly upset that the most sacred day on his calendar, Hitler’s birthday, is tarnished…
AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Your Grandpa, a lifelong stoner and de facto family historian, fondly recalled a time when you were “only this high,” you…