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If “Dio” Is Italian for “God” Then Why Won’t These Vatican Pussies Play Some “Holy Diver?”

I came to Vatican City to pay my respects to the all-time metal God, Ronnie James Dio, and I expected to find like-minded fellow worshipers who also believe in Him. See, in Italian, the language they speak here, their word for “God” is literally “Dio.” So why the Hell won’t these pussies crank some “Holy Diver”?

Now, I’m not gonna tell someone how to worship our God. When it comes to praising God, or “Dio” (when near Rome, haha!), I feel people should be free to show their faith however they like. But on the same token, it’s not right of them to impede how I worship. So why are these sheet-wearing pansies shushing me and my boombox right now?

How are you gonna accuse me of committing blasphemy by praising and worshipping the best heavy metal frontman to ever do it, when the Bible tells us that praise and worship are two of the best ways to bring us closer to Heaven, where God lives? I cannot believe the hypocrisy of this supposed “holy city.”

You’re gonna sit there and tell me that blasting hours and hours of that Gregorian monk chant bullshit is supposed to spiritually enlighten me? Granted, that monk shit would sound sweet if you threw some Dio over it. Kinda like when Metallica did a record with that orchestra, except the people of San Francisco didn’t boo them out of the square.

Y’all are running around in these boring-ass robes and the Pope’s carrying something called a “Papal ferula,” which is lame as hell. Dio carried a motherfucking sword and went around vanquishing demons and shit. You know, the things that are trying to steal the souls of every good Christian? Remember that, you pointy-hat-wearing fuck.

I know what you’re thinking. “If Dio is God, then why didn’t Dio ever create a miracle?” Listen to how stupid you sound right now. What the fuck do you think a “Rainbow In The Dark” is, if not a miracle?