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Trump Promises Charlottesville Five New Dog Whistle Factories by 2020

NEW YORK — President Trump promised this morning to bring five of the “best and loudest” dog whistle factories back to American soil, during a confrontational press conference at Trump Tower in which he displayed several of the whistles firsthand.

Asked about infrastructure, logistics, legalities, and timeline, Trump replied, “Excuse me. I’m here to focus on dog whistles. How about a question where I can show off our new Charlottesville dog whistles?”

The new factories, which will employ up to 10,000 people according to the Trump administration’s early economic reviews, will manufacture whistles featuring “a unique design never before seen in the dog whistle community.”

“You can blow on these from both sides,” Trump said, before blowing the whistle several times. “You’ve never seen a president use a dog whistle like this before, have you?”


House Speaker Paul Ryan criticized Trump’s use of the dog whistle at the podium as “unpresidential,” but said he supported the president’s dog whistle policies overall.

“The president has made it very clear that America must improve the quality of our dog whistles,” said Ryan. “I got mine from my father. But there’s an art to it. You’re not supposed to just go out there and try to blow as hard as you… you know what, never mind. He’ll never get it.”

“I said, ‘Jobs, jobs, jobs,’ and I won. Like no one had ever seen. Now I say, ‘Dog whistle, dog whistle, dog whistle,'” said Trump. “We’re going to produce the best dog whistles right here in America, and they’re going to be the loudest, most magnificent dog whistles. You’ll be able to hear them in the camps.”

“What? Excuse me, I said Canada,” he quickly added. “You’ll be able to hear them in Canada.”

Article by Ella Gale @hellakale.