WASHINGTON — U.S. District Court Judge Thomas Durkin “came out of nowhere” and denied President Trump’s easy lay-up during a shoot-around on the White House basketball court, sources confirmed.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Marvin Leith, a White House groundskeeper who witnessed the “total and complete rejection” from the South Lawn. “The President, just shooting around by himself, goes in for a lay-up. And out of nowhere — I don’t know if he was hiding in a fuckin’ bush, or what — Durkin bounds toward him, goes airborne, and just swats the ball like a fly. It was like Mutombo in his prime.”
Other witnesses described a “black-robed blur at inhuman speed” gliding down the court to knock the ball 20 yards into the White House Rose Garden. The 63-year-old judge then allegedly stared Trump down, saying, “Get that shit outta my house.”
The Trump administration, upset by Durkin’s “gross misuse of power,” plans to take legal action.
“This is a complete overreach of judicial authority, and we are going to fight this,” said White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. “Honestly, the block didn’t even look that cool.”
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer addressed the embarrassing rejection at a press conference within the hour.
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“The lay-up would’ve gone in. Everyone would’ve loved it, and it would’ve been great. This was a classless and purely political move by an attention-seeking, activist judge,” said Spicer. “The President is going to fight for this, and this lay-up will go through. And soon, you will see the President hitting not only lay-ups, but some of the craziest, backboard-breaking dunks this country has ever seen.”
Supporters of the block say Trump had no right to attempt the lay-up in the first place.
“Checks and balances. That’s how our government works,” said Dr. Mavis Peta, a professor of political science at Yale University. “If Trump thought he could just start shooting lay-ups willy-nilly, he’s got another thing coming.”
At press time, Trump defiantly tweeted, “SEE YOU ON THE COURT!”
Photo by Kat Chish.