GOTHENBURG, Sweden — Melodic death metal guitarist Jens Nyberg tried to use a Boss HM-2 pedal, infamous for its famous “chainsaw” guitar tone, to chop down a tree, embarrassed sources reported.
“Fuck! Why even compare this expensive guitar pedal to a chainsaw if it can’t help at all with my landscaping chores?” protested Nyberg, who was diagnosed with traumatic CTE from years of synchronized headbanging. “First, I set up my guitar rig next to the tree and played At the Gates’ ‘Blinded by Fear’ riff, but the tree didn’t even fucking move. Not a single leaf fell off. At that point, I realized I was being ridiculous. So I unplugged the pedal and started grinding it against the tree. It didn’t do shit. I just scuffed up the pedal a bunch, lowering its value. Fuck this. Back to the Metal Zone.”
Professional landscapers weighed in on the effectiveness of using guitar and audio gear for their metaphorical purposes.
“I don’t even understand what you’re asking me. At the very least, you need an axe to chop down a tree. But preferably a chainsaw,” said Anders Falk, one of Gothenburg’s top rated tree removal specialists. “You’re telling me he tried to chop down a tree with a metal box you plug a guitar into? Shit, maybe you could bring down a tree with a B.C. Rich, but that would have to be one dried-out tree. Hell, maybe you could wrap a bass string around it and saw. But this is ludicrous. Just call a professional.”
A spokesperson from Boss weighed in on alternative uses for their guitar effects products.
“I studied electrical engineering for five years to work at Boss and design pedals for guitarists, who are all apparently mouthbreathing morons,” sighed an exasperated Hiroshi Sato, Boss engineer. “Someone said it sounded like a chainsaw once, and now idiots are trying to chop down trees. What’s next, attempting to eat a Big Muff Pi? Keeping a ProCo Rat in a cage? Attempting to console a Dunlop Cry Baby?”
Nyberg’s problems of confusion reportedly continued when he was accused of lewd conduct while testing out an Electro-Harmonix Electric Mistress at a local guitar shop.