ITHACA, N.Y. — A recent study by Cornell University found that a striking one out of five local metal band t-shirts ends up inside an auto body repair shop’s oily rag bin, several greasy-haired sources report.
“We initially conducted this study in order to collect data on the impact of local metal band t-shirts on the environment,” said Dr. Alita Butte, lead scientist behind the study. “The fact that we found just how many of these are used to clean up messes at garages is pretty extraordinary. What’s even more stunning is that a majority of the shirts have the sleeves cut off. It’s as if shirt arms are trivial when changing the oil on a Toyota Corolla. Oddly enough, the other four out of five metal band shirts end up as cum rags. This music genre has a ton of uses for their merch.”
Local metalheads weren’t totally shocked to hear about the results of this study.
“I’m surprised the number isn’t higher, because every time I take my car into the shop there’s a pile of oiled-up death metal band apparel by the spark plugs,” vocalist of local metal band Downward Down Alex Thorne explained. “Come to think of it, I even saw a few No Fear shirts in there as well. It’s hard to tell those from nu-metal band shirts anyways. Oh well, I guess it’s nice to see these local bands’ merchandise being used in a practical manner. Beats being donated to the needy who don’t even appreciate ‘80s thrash.”
Car mechanic Harold Stumanski says the statistic hits closer to home as far as he’s concerned.
“Considering about 90% of my crew are in shitty metal bands, it would come as no surprise to learn that our rag disposal bin is overflowing with their merch,” Stumanski said. “Just about all metal bands print their shirts on Gildans and there’s just something about that brand that can really take oil, gas, battery acid, and whatever other foul liquids you can throw at it. The Jiffy Lube I used to run had indie band shirts that mainly used American Apparel. Those things couldn’t even handle windshield wiper fluid before disintegrating.”
At press time, Cornell University also revealed that five out of every five punk band shirts end up in the trash.