INDIANAPOLIS — Nu metal superfan Travis Cornwall reportedly sat his son down to have the “Nookie Talk” after the teenager started asking about the “birdz and the beez,” sources close to the family confirmed.
“Wispy soul patch coming in, trying to hide his male pattern baldness with a backwards red hat—my little bizkit boy is finally becoming a nu metal man, and I think it’s high time we sat down and finally told him how Nookie works,” said Cornwall, dusting off a sealed “Significant Other” CD he had saved for just this occasion. “Everything you need to know about sex is right here in this album, from where to stick that cookie, to dealing with the ‘he says, she says bullshit.’ I’ll probably wait to discuss ‘Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water’ with him though—that’s pretty advanced for his age, and he’ll learn to experiment with that kinda stuff in college.”
Despite the good intentions behind the discussion, Cornwall’s teenage son was reportedly mortified by the Limp Bizkit-themed sex talk.
“My dad is so embarrassing, he told me that I’m probably at the age where ‘All Day I Dream About Sex,’ but that it’s perfectly normal to want to play with my ‘Freak on a Leash’ in private,” said Fred Cornwall, slamming his bedroom door shut. “I know that he’s trying to be helpful, but his stupid nu metal analogies don’t make any sense. What am I supposed to do with ‘when a man and a woman love each other very much, sometimes they take their privates and put them N 2 Gether Now’? And he went on and on about wearing condoms or I’d get down with the sickness.”
Music-themed sex talks were reportedly a longstanding family tradition according to the family’s grandfather, who revealed that he had once had the ‘Cherry Pie’ talk with his own son.
“All boys have questions about ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ at that age, so when it came time for the ‘Cherry Pie’ talk I imparted Travis with all the wisdom I’d learned from Warrant and Motley Crue,” said Ray Cornwall, spraying a cloud of hairspray into his receding mane. “Then we took a drive in my Camaro and listened to Def Leppard’s ‘Hysteria’ together. I mean everything you need to know is right there in ‘Pour Some Sugar On Me’—girls got the peaches, boys got the cream—then they teach you the rest of the details at school.”
At press time, the teenage son reported that he considered himself extremely lucky after finding out that a classmate’s dad had used Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer” as the basis for their sex talk.