CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources report.
“Oh man, I’m so embarrassed,” Medina moaned as he held his head in his hands. “I only drank two Budweisers last night. I didn’t start any fights or play thrash metal on the jukebox, and worst of all, I didn’t vomit in anybody’s face. Ugh, what was I thinking? Everybody at Shooter’s thinks of me as an out-of-control thrasher, so I let them all down. I’m not going to be able to show my face there for a long time, and what about my metalhead friends? How could I have been so inconsiderate? I’m going to have to call everybody up and apologize. I can only hope they’ll forgive me.”
Medina’s friend Silvia Juárez was repulsed at his actions.
“I can’t believe Dylan did that,” Juarez said. “We’ve both been huge Municipal Waste fans since high school, so it’s absolutely unfathomable that our night in a dive bar didn’t end up with him passed out on the pool table after puking all over some dweeb who doesn’t listen to metal. This is so unlike him. He already called me this morning and apologized, but I told him I was going to need some time before I could accept it. He offered to drink 20 beers tonight to make it up to me, but honestly, it’s going to take more than that to regain my respect.”
Municipal Waste frontman Tony Foresta reacted to the news with disbelief.
“Wait, what?” Foresta responded. “So you’re saying this guy is a fan of Municipal Waste, and he only drank a couple of beers last night? The dude better have a good excuse, because any true follower of my band would drink to the point of blacking out and waking up in a landfill. Why does he think I write my lyrics? For my fans to practice temperance and be responsible members of society? What part of ‘Municipal Waste is gonna fuck you up’ does he not understand? He’d better drink a case every night for the next year while leaving a trail of dead posers in his wake. Until he does that, I’d better not see him at any of my shows.”
At press time, Medina further humiliated himself by forgetting to cut the sleeves off a Municipal Waste shirt he had purchased.