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Arguing Over Which Metal Bands Belong to Which Subgenre Now Recognized as Own Metal Subgenre

WEBSTER, N.Y. — Leading music experts unanimously agreed that arguments between fans over which metal bands are considered to be part of which subgenres is now officially recognized as its own subgenre, several keyboard warriors report.

“Finally, a metal subgenre I can fully wrap my head around,” local metalhead Todd Bessemer exclaimed. “I can’t play an instrument or write a song to save my life, but I sure as hell can debate with the best of them about which bands are death-thrash and which are black death-thrash. I should be headlining Maryland Deathfest in no time just discussing the differences on stage. All those years of practicing on The Metal Archives pages is finally paying off.”

Metal guitarist Garrett Hamilton is considering dabbling in the new genre.

“I’ve been playing metal for a while now, but I think it might be time to put down the guitar, and hop on this new subgenre train before it gets flooded with posers,” Hamilton said, adding that he had considered starting a metal side project in this specific subegenre. “I mean, being a lifelong metalhead, I’ve definitely got some arguing practice in. And I feel now’s the time to let the ignorant masses know that old Sepultura is death metal and not thrash. Someone needs to teach these newbies.”

According to scene veteran Corey “Snake” Wilson, the newly discovered subgenre isn’t the only obnoxious thing about metal that is becoming more and more popular.

“Being a part of the metal scene is 100% more than just the music. It’s about the level of obscure bands you know, who looks the coolest in leather pants, and who can pull off a ridiculous looking mustache the best,” Wilson explained through his large, Civil War-style general mustache. “That’s why being a poser has actually become a genre in of itself. Yup, there are bands popping up all over who just stand there with their ‘St. Anger’ era Metallica shirts and pose on stage for a whole set. It drives elitists mad, and that’s why I love it.”

At press time, many of the leading artists in the burgeoning new subgenre have already had their work reissued on triple 180 gram vinyl box sets.