LOS ANGELES — Former Blink 182 member Matt Skiba frantically searched “how to play drums” upon news that Travis Barker’s hand surgery would postpone the band’s South American leg of their tour, confirmed sources wishing he would move on.
“I know what everyone is thinking and yeah, you would think after more than 20 years in two high-profile punk bands I’d learn a little bit about playing drums. But that doesn’t matter, because I have about two weeks to learn the difference between a 4/4 and 4/8 time signature or whatever Travis plays. Right now I just have to find the shortest tutorials with the least amount of ads,” said Skiba. “I’d hate for some Chilean Blink fan to be disappointed, plus I’m pretty sure a kick drum is like a guitar pedal, maybe. If I pick up a kit from Guitar Center now I can probably make it back in time for a Zoom practice with Mark and Tom.”
Travis Barker reassured fans and any potential replacements that the tour would proceed as soon as he recovered from surgery.
“No one was looking more forward to this tour than I was but it’s just a minor surgery, so whoever has been calling me from an anonymous number all morning about how realistic ‘Whiplash’ was and if drumming for the Aquabats was easy can knock it the fuck off,“ said Barker. “I’ll make a full recovery, and I’ll also be hiring a food taster to test all my meals for poison before I consume anything. Nobody will replace me, nobody can replace me, anyone who tries will be destroyed.”
Blink 182’s tour manager ultimately made the decision to postpone the dates in order to maintain the integrity of the core lineup, in spite of offers from multiple potential stand-ins.
“We’ve been building the hype for the return of the Tom, Mark, and Travis show, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to hire a temporary drummer when we’re charging $200 a ticket for nosebleed seats. I know Skiba has been trying to contact us, along with the guys from Angels and Airwaves. We’re not budging,” said band manager Chris Georggin. “Matt was a great addition to the band when Tom left to chase UFOs, but unless he can have Google implant drum signatures in his break and then marry a Kardashian in the next ten days, he can sit this one out.”
At press time, the band admitted that they did reach out to original drummer Scott Raynor about filling in for Barker, however Raynor declined as he was too busy beating up loitering teens as a member of the San Diego police department.