LA MESA, Calif. — Prolific thrash metal frontman Dave Mustaine started a rival retirement organization after being removed from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), sources report.
“I didn’t do anything to deserve this, but it’s definitely not over,” Mustaine said. “If the suits over at AARP think they’ve seen the last of me, they are sorely mistaken. Everybody knows Megadeth is the biggest and most well-known thrash metal band, and I’m going to do the same thing with this new retirement organization. It’s going to offer better and more accomplished healthcare advocacy, consumer fraud education, and discounts than they do. I’m not sure what exactly their problem is, but we’ll see who’s an ‘insufferable asshole’ when my organization usurps theirs as the premier interest group for seniors.”
AARP rep Latricia Montgomery offered her side of the story.
“Traditionally, the AARP hasn’t had to expel members,” Montgomery explained. “However, we had no choice but to make an exception with Mr. Mustaine. Never in the organization’s 6 decades have we dealt with someone so disagreeable and cantankerous. His constant emails and intrusions at chapter meetings were such disruptions to our operations that we had to ask him to leave. He’s certainly welcome to come back on a trial basis if he can temper his demeanor, but I really don’t see that happening. If you had been present in our exchanges with him, you’d understand my lack of optimism that he’ll change his ways and become more pleasant to interact with. I wish him well with this new organization of his, but I fear he’s going to continue to have issues like this when he works with other people.”
Sociologist Linda French offered her expertise on the matter.
“Actions of famous geriatric musicians can often reflect what we see in their professional lives,” French offered. “I recently did a case study of Sammy Hagar making a mall-walking club decidedly worse after joining, and King Diamond once converted an entire congregation to Satanism after joining his church’s hymnal group. Unfortunately, this also holds true with individuals who are known to be objectionable by other members of their bands. Frankly, given what we all know about Mr. Mustaine, I’m surprised he lasted so long in AARP before getting kicked out.”
At press time, every other member of Mustaine’s new retirement organization had left, and he was searching for new people to replace them.