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Black Metal Vegan Burns Down Church’s Chicken

WETUMPKA, Ala. – Shortly after fire crews responded to an alleged arson at a local Church’s Chicken late last night, one member of the Alabama black metal scene came forward to claim responsibility for the blaze.

Artemis Nyxx (legal name Blake Lambert), the guitarist and vocalist of local “blackened crust” band Infinite Dvsk, boasted about destroying the fried chicken establishment in a Facebook post.

“I know black metal better than anyone in this state, man. I am almost finished reading Lords of Chaos, and, man… black metal used to be so huge back when the Mayhem guys were out murdering each other and going straight Charmeleon on every house of worship in sight,” Nyxx said. “Now, it’s all about what your corpse paint looks like? No way, dude. It’s time to bring black metal back to its roots here in Alabama.”

When asked about his issue with Church’s Chicken directly, Nyxx explained, “That place is the lovechild of the two things in this world I despise most: Processed meat stripped from abused and inhumanely treated animals, and organized religion. I saw it as a sort of ‘two birds, one stone’ opportunity. Anyone who bows to an empty God or eats a bucket of drumsticks for dinner is part of America’s biggest problem. You people are why I want to just move to the dark woods of Norway and be done with this hellhole of a country.”


The once-bustling and profitable Church’s Chicken on 34th Avenue is now nothing more than a charred pile of rubble and ash, much like Infinite Dvsk’s 13-record discography. “I’m actually writing a concept album about the thrill I got when I watched the building collapse under the flames. There was something so poetic about it that I couldn’t shake, but the smell of the chicken carried for miles and lingered for a few hours, which was gross.”

Nyxx has been praised by cohorts in the black metal scene, which he hopes will push his band to the next level and get them some gigs outside of their hometown. “Am I a hero?” Nyxx asked himself. “Maybe so.”

Article by Johnny Crowder @slam_jesus.

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