BEDFORD, N.Y. — Local black metal fan Dennis “Bjorn” Rubenstein celebrated the news of the Farmer’s Almanac forecasting a particularly harsh winter this year, several spiked gauntlet-wearing sources report.
“When my grandpa bestowed the knowledge unto me that the unholy doctrine of the Farmers’ Almanac has prophesied a long, grueling winter ahead of us, it brought great pleasure,” Rubenstein explained. “I will spend many upcoming winter nights dwelling in my kingdom cold, which also happens to be my parent’s getaway cabin in the Catskills, writing and recording for my one-man depressive suicidal black metal project MisanGoat. Come to think of it, hopefully mom and dad remember to call the electric company to turn the lights back on before I get there. Or maybe the lack of electricity is just what I need.”
Rubenstein’s grandfather recalls the jubilant reaction of the news he broke to his grandson casually in passing.
“I’m wondering if those spiked armband things he always wears are cutting off the blood flow to his brain,” Albert Rubenstein stated. “He’s never cared about farming or crops or cows or anything like that. I only told him about what I read in the almanac because I wanted him to put down those plastic battleaxes for his Instagram photos, and get his shoveling arms ready! He kept going on about a ‘Harvest Blood Wolf Moon’ that comes every 80 years or something. I don’t know, he’s a good kid, plus I never have to worry about him hounding me to borrow my car because he never leaves the house.”
According to some experts, the forecasts told in the Farmer’s Almanac have played an important role in the genre’s subculture.
“True black metal has always been anti-Bible, and very pro-Farmer’s Almanac,” scene veteran and expert Peter Andersson explained. “The contrast between a book of lies like the Bible and a tome that grants the power of predicting the harsh weather conditions in which we in the black metal scene feed on is vast. That’s why it is so popular amongst grease-painted black metal warriors across the United States. ‘Sons of Northern Darkness’ by the band Immortal was actually a full album response to the 2002 winter prediction, and that’s their best album!”
At press time, Rubenstein became excited after learning the almanac also predicts a hefty sweet corn crop this year, despite not quite knowing what to with that information.