20. Tom Araya
My main problem with Tom would be his rabid fans. They’d recognize him from their vehicle and do that fist bump thing you do for semi-trucks. Only I don’t know what that means in this scenario. Should I honk or throw some devil horns up?
19. Geddy Lee
Geddy would bring a police radar detector with him. Sure, I’m going to make fun of him almost immediately, but he’s going to save me hundreds of dollars in speeding tickets I would’ve gotten otherwise. This is why a nerd is essential on the road.
18. Pete Wentz
Without fail, Pete is going to point out every time we pass a herd of cows. He’ll just yell “cows!” and won’t follow it up with anything. He just wants me to be aware of my surroundings I guess.
17. Bootsy Collins
The funk legend and I would have a blast. But he’d always be asking me to pull over so he can change his clothes. Turns out, this man does costume changes five times a day. Typically, three’s my max on a road trip.
16. Matt Freeman
The Rancid and Operation Ivy bassist is as legendary as you can be as a punk bass player. But in the car he’s always practicing his bass in the backseat because he “just wants to get better.” Buddy, you’re at the top. Can we maybe play some real music with real instruments like guitars now?
15. Mark Hoppus
Mark is going to call “shotgun” every time we approach the car even though it’s just the two of us on this trip. While it was funny the first few times, I’m going to start to wonder how much other material he’s going to recycle on this journey.
14. P-Nut
The 311 bassist would be the only person in the last 30 years of existence to use the car’s cigarette lighter. But he’d use it to light his bong that he brought with him. I didn’t know my car even had one of those. P-Nut would go on to discover three or four more other features of my car I didn’t otherwise know about.
13. Paul McCartney
Paul is rock and roll’s nice guy. He’d be cordial and generally enjoyable in the car, but he’s going to chat up every gas station cashier and diner server, and even have us pick up every hitchhiker we encounter. Paul, we’re on a tight schedule here and the last guy we picked up had a swastika tattooed on his forehead. Please use discretion.
12. Kim Gordon
Kim is almost too cool to ride with. I’d be fairly intimidated to suggest playing a game of “I Spy” with her out of fear of looking basic. But 15 hours in, she would actually bring it up. The only downside is that Kim would go undefeated in every car-based competitive activity we play.
11. Steve Di Giorgio
Steve has played bass for like 100 metal bands. He also seems like he knows a thing or two about cars. This will come in handy when we get a flat, run out of windshield washer fluid, or one of us has to figure out how to pump gas. You always need a car guy on road trips.
10. Kira Roessler
You know that saying, “If you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere”? Well, if you can put up with Henry Rollins as the singer of your band, you can handle anything on the road.
9. Victor Wooten
Victor is as talented as they come at an instrument. But for some reason he packed all his clothes and toiletries in various bass cases and gig bags. He may or may not own traditional luggage. Solid road mate otherwise.
8. Jemaine Clement
The bassist for Flight of the Conchords seems like he wouldn’t say much the entire time, but when he does it’s going to be amusing and witty as hell. If anything, I’m going to feel like I’d annoy him with all my questions about Australia because I forgot he’s actually from New Zealand.
7. Franz Lyons
The Turnstile bassist possesses all the qualities to make for a successful road trip companion. The only drawback is that instead of pee breaks, this man needs skate breaks every few hours and it would make me feel bad because I never learned to kickflip. It’s been three days and I haven’t seen him use the restroom once.
6. Flea
Flea seems like he has Tetris-level skills in packing a trunk, backseat, and center console. Everything somehow fits neatly and it’s organized alphabetically for some reason. Finally, someone who seems like they’ve been in a car before.
5. Mike Dirnt
Mike seems almost underrated at bass. He’s also underrated at sitting next to me on a road trip. When we do our daily singalongs in the car, he instinctively takes the backup vocals because he’s more comfortable with them, which is great because my playlist is mainly Taking Back Sunday tracks and I prefer to lead.
4. Kim Deal
The former bassist of the Pixies would constantly be hogging the aux cord, but it’d somehow be a good thing because she’d always be introducing me to cool bands I never even heard of.
3. Thundercat
Thundercat is often seen playing a six-string bass, so this man knows how to navigate his way around an instrument. Those skills translate seamlessly to vehicular navigation. After all, that’s the primary job of a front seat passenger.
2. D’arcy Wretzky
The Smashing Pumpkins bassist is going to have a lot of dirt on Billy Corgan and we’ll be able to talk shit about him for hours on end. In theory, we’ll never run out of things to say on our road trip.
1. Keanu Reeves
Hell yeah, I want to road trip with John Wick. But only as long as we don’t have to listen to his band Dogstar along the way.