I’m sick and tired of catching flack for taking my emotional support dog with me everywhere I go. I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and my dog is basically my medicine. You wouldn’t tell someone “Hey, you can’t have insulin at this coffee shop” or “Say now, that Lexapro should be crated and kept with the luggage” so why is my four-legged helper any different?
I think the solution is a more intimidating dog. People had no problem confronting me and my beloved therapy Pomeranian Scraps, but now that Scraps is helping people with their PTSD in heaven (rest in power king) it’s time to up the fear factor. I’ve decided my next therapy dog will be adopted from a werewolf movie.
I’ve been doing a deep dive (thanks ADHD!) looking at all the options and I think I’ve narrowed the search down to these 25 films. So which of these bloodthirsty lycanthropes is going to be my emergency cuddle buddy? Let’s break it down!
25. Wolfcop
There’s nothing I find less emotionally supportive than a narc. While I believe that police dogs can be retrained into productive members of k-9 society, Wolf Cop chose to be a cop in his human form, and you can’t train someone out of being an asshole.
24. The Wolfman (2010)
If you’re the type of person who wants a pet werewolf, you certainly don’t want them to be boring and forgettable despite a stellar cast.
23. Teen Wolf Too
In his human form, at the right angle, in the right light, for just a second or two now and then he looks like Michael from “Arrested Development,” but most of the time he looks like a tall baby. It would be way too distracting to soothe my anxiety.
22. Silver Bullet
Sure, Reverend Lowe is good at ACTING supportive, at first, but then he gets all preachy and “Come to Jesus.” I can accept an emotional support animal who terrorizes my town with its bloodlust every month, but not one who is a textbook Christian hypocrite on top of that.
21. Twilight
Dogs make us feel good because they always act like they love us, but based on his performance as Jacob, I don’t think this dude could sell it even in wolf form. I imagine it would be as if you could see him thinking “I’m wagging my tail now to show my character’s affection.” I don’t have the budget for dog training and acting classes so Jacob is out.
20. Werewolf by Night
If I get a black and white service animal he’s going to be in beautiful celluloid and he’ll be lit properly, not just shot on digital and lazily de-saturated with fake CGI cigarette burns in the corner of the frame because, awww, he thinks he’s a real movie!
19. Werewolves Within
Never get a pet adopted from a video game, sorry, nerds, it just doesn’t work.
18. Underworld
Admittedly we’ve never seen these but just going off the trailers, it seems like taking a werewolf from the Underworld franchise as a pet would just be kind of a lot. Seems like it would involve tons of leather and Evanescence songs, it would just be exhausting.
17. Ginger Snaps
If you need emotional support the last place you should turn is to a teenage goth going through puberty. Everything is all about them. “Do boys like me?” “Am I cool enough?” “Am I a bad feminist if I shave my fur?” What about me Ginger? What about my needs?
16. Dog Soldiers
As any dog owner knows, when fireworks are going off, suddenly you are the emotional support animal. It’s just part of the deal, and while I’m willing to accept the responsibility for an ordinary K-9 or lycanthrope, these boys have seen combat. I’m not sure I’m equipped emotionally or physically to calm a werewolf with full-blown PTSD. Feels like a blanket wouldn’t quite cut it.
15. Trick ’r Treat
Sure the idea of having Anna Paquin on a leash lifts our mood, but is that psychologically healthy? Probably not.
14. Werewolf (1996)
As a person in need of an emotional support animal I’ve got a mountain of anxieties and insecurities to deal with. I don’t need to add “The MST3k Guys are ripping my dog a new asshole” to my mounting pile of concerns.
13. The Howling
I need an emotional support animal that I can trust, not one who’s going to act like my friend only to turn around and air all my dirty laundry on the evening news before turning into a monster. I respect the hell out of Karen White’s journalistic integrity, but if you’re going to be my service animal my emotional well-being needs to come before your big scoop.
12. Cursed
My last dog came from a breeder and I never heard the end of it for not adopting from a shelter. Imagine the kind of flack I would get for getting a dog from a Miramax movie. “Do you know how many dogs are euthanized every year? Do you know what Harvey Weinstein did?!”
11. Bad Moon
He’s cute in an offbeat sort of way, like those little weird hairless guys who win best in show now and again.
10. The Company of Wolves
This would satisfy both my need for a constant cuddly companion and my love of Victorian-period whimsy! I just need to train him to stop reminding me that he’s an allegory for male sexuality every 5 seconds. Do they have classes for that?
9. Curse of the Werewolf
You know I feel like we might just get each other? We both have a lot of baggage. Leon was born to a servant girl who had been raped by a crazed prisoner (who was driven to madness after being wrongfully condemned by a sadistic Marquese) and doomed to live as a werewolf because his Christmas day birth was an affront to God. And me? Well, I had a mom who could be very passive-aggressive. Let’s go play some fetch and work out these equally devastating traumas, whaddya say, boy?
8. I Was a Teenage Werewolf
There’s nothing cuter than a dog wearing human clothes, and our boy looks snazzy as hell in a Letterman jacket, but he has some behavioral problems. He’s a jumper, you can’t get him off the furniture, and he wants to kill everything in sight. Plus he’s a teenager, so I feel like I would be doing the bulk of the emotional support.
7. The Monster Squad
He attempts to turn himself in for murders he committed in his full-moon frenzy, so you know he’s a good boy. Unfortunately, this wolfman famously has nards. I wouldn’t want him to sacrifice his trademark just to be my therapy dog, but an un-neutered male dog can be exceptionally hard to train.
6. Werewolf of London
Sure he’s responsible for a series of grizzly murders, but I read that name and all I can see is an adorable montage of us hiking, playing fetch, and doing bath time set to that Warren Zevon song.
5. The Wolf Man (1941)
Larry Talbot is a stone-cold classic breed, basically the golden retriever of werewolves. My only concern would be that I don’t live in a great environment for this sort of pet. My neighbors are Dracula and Frankenstein, and he’s known to be aggressive towards those types. Maybe if I had a bigger yard and lived next to Abbot and Costello, we could make it work, but until I get my shit together I don’t think it’s a good fit.
4. Wolf Guy
It would be cool to have an emotional support animal with superpowers who solves crime. Unfortunately “Wolf Guy” never actually transforms into a wolf, so it would just be me with Sonny Chiba on a leash and that’s bad optics.
3. Wolf (1994)
In his wolf form he could give me the affection and sense of security I desperately need, and in his human form, he can help me finally get my shitty novel published! He does like to piss on shoes, but that’s a fairly even trade if you ask us! It’s a very bad book.
2. An American Werewolf in London
David is a good boy overall, but I see two major drawbacks. One, his transformation sequence takes like, forever. It’s impressive as hell, but do I really want to sit through it every time I wanna take him out for a walk? Secondly, unlike filmmaker John Landis, David is haunted by the the lives he’s taken.
1. Teen Wolf
Perfect! A great dog is like a best friend, but Scott is your best friend who is also a dog. You wanna talk about emotional support? Just look at what happens when Scott struts down the hallway in his adorable Letterman jacket, people just come alive around this dude! He’s just got a super positive energy you want to be around. Plus my name is Styles and I’m always pulling schemes, so really this is a match made in heaven!