15. Rowlf the Dog
We all know Rowlf is a good boy, but he’s also a musician—not exactly a demographic known for being up-to-date on their shots. If you notice his piano work starts to get a little sloppy, run.
14. Floyd Pepper
In addition to the massive STD risk involved in contact with any member of The Electric Mayhem, and the risk of rabies associated with human-to-muppet contact, Floyd’s Willie Nelson-esque lifestyle puts him into contact with many woodland critters. You’re really playing with fire hanging out with Floyd Pepper.
13. Crazy Harry
While his use of pyrotechnic equipment signifies that his higher brain functions are still intact, Crazy Harry’s muppet lineage and aggressive nature make him a high risk for rabies transmission. It’s possible the disease affects some muppets more slowly than humans, we’re not sure. Sadly, not enough of the muppets have been dissected and studied.
12. Sam the Eagle
As a staunch conservative, Sam loves swooping down and swallowing rodents whole, particularly rodents from low-income households more likely to be affected by rabies.
11. Uncle Deadly
Uncle Deadly spends a lot of time hanging around bats, and contact with bats is the 2nd leading cause of all confirmed rabies cases in the United States. The number one leading cause, of course, is contact with Muppets.
10. Beaker
His bite is small but deadly.
9. Link Hogthrob
Link has that egotistical “I’m not telling the other survivors I’ve been bit” energy. Be it by a zombie or a common bat, he’ll just assume his charm and good looks make him immune because he’s mommy’s special pig and just go about his day.
8. Miss Piggy
Piggy’s karate chops do not spread rabies but they are indicative of the aggression displayed by animals in the late stages of the disease. Bate your traps with chocolate and put her down immediately.
7. Dr. Teeth
Dr. Teeth is a full-on bug chaser. It’s the last form of excess that makes him feel anything after decades of the rock star lifestyle overexposed and soured him on every other vice known to man. He’s already got all the STDs, it’s only a matter of time before he begins to fetishize rabies.
6. Gonzo
Transmitting rabies is one of Gonzo’s many, many predatory sexual kinks. He only avoids top billing because his dumb nose often gets in the way before he can chomp down for the kill. He is a sick man and no one should like him.
5. Rizzo the Rat
All of the rabies risk involved in contact with a rodent coupled with all of the rabies risk involved in someone who hangs out with Gonzo a lot. If you’ve been in close proximity to Rizzo just get the damned shots immediately.
4. Camilla the Chicken
Yup, it wasn’t enough for Gonzo to date a regular chicken with no higher brain functions. That sick bastard infected her with rabies to eradicate any sense of agency she might feel in their relationship.
3. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Honeydew does not carry rabies in his body, but he does carry it on his person at all times in the form of a syringe he keeps holstered to his belt. He’s always on the lookout for new “test subjects” whom he can infect with the deadly disease and subject to his sinister experiments in an undisclosed offshore laboratory. Never let Bunsen catch wind if you don’t have a family.
2. The Swedish Chef
That’s not actually Swedish he’s talking. His real name is Carl and he’s never left the continental United States in his entire life. No, what you’re hearing is the telltale jibberish of declining mental faculties that manifest in the late stages of rabies.
1. Animal
I mean don’t overthink it, right? It’s Animal.
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