15. Malcolm
Malcolm can make rash decisions from time to time and, let’s be honest, has a pretty unpalatable personality. But it never hurts to keep a spare genius around when it comes time to figure out how you’re gonna steal electricity from the cell phone store that used to be a Pizza Hut next door.
14. Lois’ sister Susan
Good christ, this woman is a fucking caddy nightmare. But she has money, and sometimes covering the Doordash bill is enough. We, at The Hard Times, would probably put up with her for a Crunchwrap Supreme delivered to our shamble of a door.
13. Otto Mankusser
Otto owns his own goddamn dude ranch, so who the hell knows what he’s doing living in a punk house. We guess he can stay as long as he lets us borrow the horses whenever we want.
12. Chad
Chad is a mentally unstable brute with weird hair who… actually, we just described all of our current roommates without realizing it so, screw it! He’s in, unfortunately
11. Caroline Miller
She teaches the gifted class, which has gotta mean she’s stoned at least part of the time. Regardless, this woman knows how to handle a group of hormone-driven maniacs. So long as she throws the first punch in the pit of the basement show, she’ll be good.
10. Francis
We all know Francis is kind of a narc, but in a punk house? He can’t narc on himself. A worthy accomplice with survival skills, he knows how to pay the electric bill using stolen moped batteries.
9. Jessica
This woman smells, but so do we. Unlike every single Hard Times writer, she’s hot and kinda famous. If anything can justify a $15 door cover, it’s her online engagement. We love to hate her clicks.
8. Pete & Artie
These fuckers showed Francis how it’s done. We don’t know much about their pasts, and apparently neither do they. Regardless, we know how much they’re willing to care about pest control, and we fucking need that in our home. Also, they’re a team, so they only need one bedroom.
7. Cynthia
What punk house isn’t complete without romantic regret? Also, she’s a karate expert, which is perfect for keeping the Nazi punks at bay.
6. Hal
Hal is God’s perfect moron. He acts like a gang of feral cats found a big coat to wear around, and that alone qualifies him to move in. He’ll always keep a case of cheap beer in the fridge, and never has a problem sharing. Empires are built and destroyed by the Hals of the world, so he’s pretty high up on our list.
5. Gretchen Mankusser
She’s smart, she’s sassy, she’s overqualified for Punk House Mom, and she’s ready to fuck. Actually, forget the punk house, what’s she up to these days?
4. Stevie Kenarban
Stevie is definitely the most likable of all of the genius kids. He’s the child of a broken home, so he’s totally gonna get the vibe of a punk house. And, he also knows karate! This man is a triple threat!
3. Hal’s poker buddies
These guys only ever show up when there’s: A. a big problem for them to effortlessly solve, or B. to jam a capella. When can they move in already?
2. Polly
This hippy chick has better drugs than us. Also, she’s great with kids which, hopefully, there are none around – but maybe those nurturing skills will translate nicely into caring for the possum we found behind the drainpipe.
1. Dewey
Dewey is for sure the best roommate option. He’s smart, but also a reckless goofball. He loves to write music, but wears headphones so it won’t be too loud. He knows how to earn rent money, and he will go to bat for his friends even if it costs him. If anything he’s too good to be stuck in a punk house, but don’t tell him that until after he signs the lease.
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