Finding the perfect punk house roommate is an imperfect process to be sure. Though it should always be implied from the Craigslist posting that the potential roommate should be comfortable living in abject squalor with an ever-rotating cast of unemployed animals who call themselves “activists,” it can still be difficult to find the perfect match.
Fortunately, abject squalor and unemployed animals describe the vast majority of “Malcolm In the Middle” characters, so we decided to host some interviews for potential roommates and ranked some of these characters based on how well they’d be able to handle living in our punk house.
30. Kitty Kenarban
Known colloquially as “Stevie’s mom,” Kitty is an overbearing control freak and, when pushed to it, an absolute explosive asshole. She would keep everyone in line, but at what cost?
29. Craig Feldspar
Craig is exactly the worst kind of nerd. Inviting this dick into your punk house is a fast track to him throwing away half of your record collection because they’re the wrong pressing.
28. Commandant Spangler
Though eyepatches and hook hands are pretty commonplace in punk house living situations, this dude is basically a cop, so don’t even bother opening the door for him.
27. Ida
Ida is a horrible, racist sociopath – and while being a sociopath doesn’t exclude someone from being a punk house roommate out of hand, being a racist piece of shit surely does at that.
26. Mr. Herkabe
Herkabe is the kind of nerd whose behavior actually makes you empathize with bullies. We don’t know which wedgie is the one who finally drove this manipulative bitch over the edge, but we’re confident in saying that even then he definitely deserved it.
25. Lois
Lois’s explosive temper and utter pettiness would be one thing if any of it was actually effective. But after years of screaming demands and doling out corporal punishments her household is still an unlivable hell.
24. Lavernia
Lavernia barely edges out Lois because at least her brand of unnecessary cruelty gets results. She runs a hell of an Alaskan company store, but certainly not one we’d ever want to live in.
23. The girl versions of Reese, Malcolm and Dewey
We only ever see enough of these characters to know that they’re manipulative, irresponsible jerks. But still, you’d probably be able to have some fun doing each other’s nails together before having to kick them out for fucking your boyfriend with the door open for the thousandth time this week.
22. Piama Tananahaakna
Like a lot of these assholes towards the bottom of the list, Piama has some serious anger problems. What she has in her corner though is a pretty consistent track record of trying to make things work out for the best – just when they don’t work out, hide the power tools and make sure she doesn’t change the WiFi password on you.
21. Eric Hansen
This fucking frat boy is gonna talk a big game and then immediately fall to shit when the slightest bit of adversity heads his way. Considering that any punk house living situation is wall to wall adversity, let him buy a keg or two for the party and then kick his whiny ass to the curb.
20. Reese
He’s a dumbass, he’s a bully, and that early 2000s gelled hairdo makes his head look like stale paintbrush. He may be alright for a laugh or two at first, but there are only so many belching contests you can have in one afternoon before the charm is lost entirely. For all his bullying, the man cannot make anyone pay rent.
19. Dabney
This fucker is secretly a jock in nerd’s clothing. Would be barred from entering a basement show. Pass!
18. Lloyd
This fucker is secretly a goth – otherwise known as the jocks of the undercrust. Would kill the vibe of a basement show. Pass!
17. Abe Kenarban
Abe has a good heart, and in general seems like a pretty fun dude. But when the chips are down, we don’t trust him not to call the cops because someone accidentally put their leftover mozzarella sticks on his designated corner of the fridge.
16. Finley
We don’t know much about Finley except that he’s in military school and is kind of a wuss. Still, an affable goon who blends into the background is fine to live with as long as he pays his share of the rent on time.
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