14. Miss Piggy
Yes, sexism will work against her, but not as much as some other candidates we can think of. If 2016 had been Trump vs. Piggy instead of Trump vs. Hillary we wouldn’t even be in this mess right now.
13. Sweetums
There’s something about this gregarious gargantuan that reminds us of Teddy Roosevelt. We would suggest he do a train tour campaign of the United States, but since neither party cares about this country’s infrastructure that wouldn’t go well.
12. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
As a scientist, Dr. Honeydew appeals to climate-conscious voters. Trump will no doubt call him a quack and compare him to Anthony Fauci, but that’s not going to change anyone’s mind. Besides, Bunsen has enough Dr. Oz in him to win over rubes in the fly-over states.
11. Janice
Sure, sexism will work against her, but as the only female member of The Electric Mayhem Janice has learned how to hold her own against men without bruising their fragile little egos. “Heeeeeyy, so, we’re gonna reinstate Roe V Wade, I hope that’s okaaaaaayyyy!”
10. Fozzie Bear
What this country needs is a little less MAGA and a little more WAKA. There, that one stupid line is all you need to make a puppet bear the president of the united states, that’s how shitty things have gotten.
9. Rizzo the Rat
From his humble beginnings as a rat, Rizzo pulled himself up by the bootstraps to become a rat who occasionally wears clothes. He can relate to the working class and he’ll work tirelessly to reduce the impact of inflation on pizza.
8. Scooter
Scooter used the fact that his uncle owns the muppet’s theater to push his way onto the show and has been on a Machiavellian quest for power ever since. He’s probably the one that hid Joe’s Adderall in the first place. Everything is going according to Scooter’s plan.
7. Beauregard
As a janitor, he can connect with the working class, and his stint as Bobo’s handler gave him more PR savvy than you might think. Remember when Bobo ate that whole jug of pre-workout powder and bit that kid’s arm off? No? Exactly.
6. Animal
Sure he babbles incoherently, which is the main reason we need to replace Biden, but when Animal does it he means BUSINESS. His energetic aggression could see him beating Trump at his own game. It’s desperate times people.
5. Dr. Teeth
When Trump invited Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Dr. Teeth to the White House, the good doctor declined. You don’t have an entertainment career as long and storied as his without learning to know which way the wind is blowing. Dr. Teeth has been waiting oh so patiently for just this moment, and his stars and stripes top hat is already de-collapsed and ready for the campaign trail.
4. Beaker
“Vote for Mee-mee-mee-mee-mee!”
3. Rowlf the Dog
Trump’s base confoundingly stuck with him when he called soldiers who died in combat “losers,” but just let him try talking shit about dogs. It might just be the final straw.
2. Kermit the Frog
He’s basically the Jimmy Carter of the Muppetts, but he has that one crucial element Carter always lacked—Kermit is a song-and-dance man. Well, song and dance frog. Just imagine the look of self-realization on every MAGA uncle’s face when Kermit responds to a racist Trump tirade about murderous immigrants with a perfectly delivered “Mr. Trump, with respect sir, I don’t think you’re a very nice Man.”
1. Link Hogthrob
Yeah, we hate it too, but this boisterous egomaniacal television star pig is our best shot and you know it. Worked for the Republicans.
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