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Every Muppet Ranked by How Well They Could Replace Biden

Since the 1970s, Jim Henson’s Muppets have achieved the near impossible—consistently providing four-quadrant entertainment the whole family can truly enjoy. Now we need them more than ever to accomplish an even more impossible task—saving American democracy.

Joe Biden’s debate performance was so bad Democrats wished he were on strings with someone else’s hand up his ass making him talk, or at the very least seem awake. It’s starting to seem that if we have any chance of stopping Trump and the fascist tide of Project 2025, the Democrats need a new candidate, and given the DNC’s fondness for puppets, a Muppet seems like the most likely prospect. They have brand recognition, people trust them, and unlike our current President, they can talk.

Any Muppet would be an improvement over either current candidate, but which anthropomorphic foam animal is best suited for the job? We’ve crunched the numbers and ranked them all by their viability as candidates, from better than Trump or Biden to much better than Trump or Biden.

28. Lew Zealand

He’s a foreigner, so he’s disqualified. If he could run he would crush it, but he can’t.

27. The Swedish Chef

The Swedish Chef is not an immigrant, he’s just incoherently drunk all the time. He’s no more intelligible than Biden but at least when he spews gibberish he does it with the sense of confidence and professionalism his years of functional alcohol abuse afford him.

26. Uncle Deadly

Almost a lateral move, the dude is old. He still has command of his faculties and he isn’t a Nazi, which makes him a better fit than both men currently competing for the job, but only by a little. In a year or two he’ll start sundowning like the rest of them.

25. Camilla the Chicken

Or like, any chicken really. People really hate Biden and Trump, honestly, we like her odds.

24. Floyd Pepper

Floyd zones out as much as Biden but at least when he comes to you get cool drug stories and not the same 4 talking points regurgitated from the napkin he’s been staring at all day.

23. Clifford

He’s amicable, high-energy, and racially ambiguous. Trump’s going to hit him hard on the “failure” of “Muppets Tonight” but with a respectable 7.7 on IMDB, he should be able to work through it.

22. Sam the Eagle

We all know Sam the Eagle is a rank-and-file conservative. You could argue that makes him the candidate most likely to win as he would draw both Democrats and Republicans on the fence about Trump, but at what cost? It would sort of be like voting for Vader over Palpatine.

21. Robin the Frog

Sure, he’s a child, but he’s been a child since the ’70s so legally we’re pretty sure he can run. Conservatives like to say they do what they do to protect the children of this country, let’s see them put their money where their mouth is and cross party lines to vote for this adorable frog kid.

20. Gonzo

Gonzo is a complicated guy for sure, and if elected his term will likely be cut short by scandal. You can’t keep skeletons like his in the closet forever, this guy’s done things that make the Stormy Daniel’s hush money cover-up look like taking a dollar out of Grandma’s purse. Still, if we can keep the lid on his deeply disturbing personal life for a few short months we’re in the clear.

19. Statler and Waldorf

Sure they’ve got the age problem, but these guys are still sharp. Trump relies heavily on insulting his opponents, let’s see him try to pull that shit with the pros.

Statler: “Did you hear Trump is out there calling us groomers?”
Waldorf: “Does that mean he’s not?”
Statler: “Of course not, the man smells like a McRib’s taint!”
Statler and Waldorf: “Oh ho ho ho ho!”

18. Gene

Okay, so he’s a confirmed cannibal, but he’s upfront about it and has never eaten a baby, which, according to our Uncle Mark (who hasn’t quite been the same since his car accident), makes Gene a more viable candidate than Joe Biden or Hilary Clinton combined.

17. Bobo the Bear

As a lifestyle influencer, Bobo already has a rabid, internet-literate fanbase ready to make “Bobo 2024” happen. As a bear, he projects some much-needed strength on the world stage.

16. Zoot

The sax thing worked for Clinton in ’92 and it can work for Zoot in 2024. We just need Arsenio Hall to have a talk show again and a good fixer to cover up his predatory sex life. Move over Kid Rock, there’s a new bucket hat-wearing musician riddled with STDs here to shake up Washington!

15. Crazy Harry

Yes, it’s a sad state of affairs, but we are at the point in this country where many Americans are saying “Let’s just put the guy named Crazy with all the dynamite in the White House and just see what happens.”

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