15. Squinch
Oh, Squinch. What a snack. He’s a widget, which is basically Eternia’s version of a Hobbit, and if we need to explain to you why Hobbits are sexy then we are just not on the same wavelength.
14. Queen Marlena
Marlena is Queen of Eternia, and in true ’80s fashion has almost but not quite as much power as her husband King Randor. Originally an astronaut from Earth, she became stranded on Eternia when her ship got off course. Considering she went from marooned alien to marrying the king and becoming queen of the planet in about a week, it was pretty clear Marlena really knew what she was doing. We didn’t know what that something was, we were kids, but we sure wanted to find out!
13. Lizard Man
Lizard Man sounds like the name of a villain, and he totally looks like a villain, but he’s a good guy. Hot.
12. Stratos
Another ’80s sci-fi/fantasy bird person (swoon) and one of He-Man’s closest allies. Stratos is half bird half human, but the bird half of his genetic make-up only seems to manifest itself in the form of a few feathers on his forearms. It’s unclear how these few arm feathers allow him to fly, and even more unclear why they can shoot lasers, but the mystery is part of the allure.
11. King Randor
More like King Randy, amiright? No? No one is with me on this? Whatever. We’re talking about He-Man’s daddy here, if I need to make a case for why that makes him sexy maybe you’re just dead inside. He’s like the Burger King king only human and jacked, what more could you want?
10. Clawful
He can crush almost ANYTHING with those claws, and that’s hot. Clawful is the reason we excused ourselves to go to the bathroom a record 5 times during a family Red Lobster dinner when we were 13. After the third, our mortified parents stopped asking what we were up to in there.
9. Orko
He was the first Trollan we were introduced to, and you never forget your first. Orko was mysterious, and for reasons we still don’t fully understand that excited us.
8. Ram Man
You might think the fact that he was named Ram Man is what gave us confusing feelings, but it was actually his eloquent prose and emotional intelligence that won us over. No, we’re just kidding, it’s because he was a short thicc brickhouse with a vaguely phallic head named Ram Man.
7. Prince Adam
When Prince Adam uses the Power Sword to summon The Power of Grayskull he becomes a hulking blonde goliath in bondage gear. In his regular human form, Prince Adam is the same hulking Goliath in a white shirt, pink vest, and Ugg boots. We remember mindlessly caressing his action figure’s various muscles with our thumbs and just wanting to get some froyo with him and not really knowing why.
6. Sorceress
The Sorceress is powerful, wise, and always willing to guide those in need. She is also a total smokeshow. Of all the bird people characters in all the fantasy/sci-fi of the ’80s and ’90s, the Sorceress is probably most responsible for permanently linking sex and feathers in our brains. She’s an altruistic, maternal, beautiful older woman who has a lot to teach a young warrior, and we’ve been subconsciously seeking her on dating apps for years.
5. Evil-Lyn
Yes Mistress. Hmm? Sorry, we got distracted. Evil-Lyn was the only woman in Skeletor’s crew but by far the most powerful, so much so that he was often paranoid about her trying to overthrow him one day. Well, Skeletor may not have been into it, but Evil-Lyn can overthrow us any time she wants. Overthrow us anywhere she damn well pleases. We’ve been bad Evil-Lyn, tie us up with snakes and call us “insolent fools!”
4. Fisto
We still have a lot of confusing feelings about Fisto. He’s just a lot to take in.
3. Teela
Teela, daughter of The Sorceress and captain of The Royal Guard is He-Man’s alter ego Prince Adam’s bodyguard, and the reason we lose our heads over powerful women and redheads. It was always a little confusing how she had a crush on He-Man but not Prince Adam even though they are very clearly the same giant guy in different outfits. Maybe it was part of their kink dynamic?
2. He-Man
By the power of Grayskull, I have an erection! When Prince Adam wields the great Power Sword he transforms into the mighty He-Man by putting on some bondage gear and like, that’s it. We used to have the He-Man toy that had the rotating chest barrel so he could take damage and be okay again. That’s the thing about He-Man, he can take what you dish out. So what if his wrist gauntlets were the same color as his flesh? Frankly, that did it for us too.
1. Man At Arms
Of all the daddies in Eternia, and there are daddies aplenty, Man At Arms was most Daddy. There’s a warmth to him, and there’s just something about that mustache. Teela’s adoptive father is supportive, wise, and trustworthy. He’s one of the only characters who knows Prince Adam’s secret identity. Internalizing that we should implicitly trust mustachioed men with secrets actually got us into some tight situations as a kid, but that’s not Man At Arms fault. Unlike Coach Johnson, Man At Arms would have never tried talking us into taking Polaroids of our muscles in his office.
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